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Golf Joke


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#1 PNWgolfer

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Posted 24 October 2012 - 12:32 PM

I thought this was pretty funny ...

*****************************************************************************************************************************
Wife's Diary:
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing..' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster. I cried myself to sleep.....

Husband's Diary:
A five putt...who the hell five putts?


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#2 KYMAR

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Posted 24 October 2012 - 12:36 PM

That's great thanks for sharing!
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#3 +Church

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Posted 24 October 2012 - 12:57 PM

That's awesome!

#4 mwkbmw

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Posted 24 October 2012 - 01:02 PM

Too funny!  Probably a true story, originally. :D
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#5 eric_b

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Posted 24 October 2012 - 01:49 PM

Seriously....who the hell five putts?


#6 shankapotamus

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Posted 24 October 2012 - 02:02 PM

I miss, I miss, I miss, I miss, I make

#7 anjoga

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Posted 24 October 2012 - 02:03 PM

Haha!  Too true....

#8 scotee

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Posted 24 October 2012 - 02:28 PM

One more:

A husband reluctantly agreed to play in the couples'
alternate shot tournament at his club.

He teed off on the first hole, a par four, and blistered a
drive 300 yards down the middle of the fairway.

Upon reaching the ball, the husband said to his wife,
"Just hit it toward the green, anywhere around there will be fine."

The wife proceeded to shank the ball deep into the woods.

Undaunted, the husband said, "That's OK, Sweetheart" and
spent the full five minutes looking for the ball. He found it just in
time, but in a horrible position. He played the shot of his life to
get the ball within two feet of the hole. He told his wife to knock
the ball in.

His wife then proceeded to take her putter out and knock
the ball off the green and into a bunker.

Still maintaining composure, the husband summoned all of
his skill and holed the shot from the bunker.

He took the ball out of the hole and while walking off the
green, put his arm around his wife and calmly said, "Honey, that was a
bogey five and that's OK, but I think we can do better on the next
hole."

To which she replied, "Listen buddy , don't b**** at me,
only 2 of those 5 shots were mine"

#9 mackepa

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Posted 24 October 2012 - 02:31 PM

View Postscotee, on 24 October 2012 - 02:28 PM, said:

One more:

A husband reluctantly agreed to play in the couples'
alternate shot tournament at his club.

He teed off on the first hole, a par four, and blistered a
drive 300 yards down the middle of the fairway.

Upon reaching the ball, the husband said to his wife,
"Just hit it toward the green, anywhere around there will be fine."

The wife proceeded to shank the ball deep into the woods.

Undaunted, the husband said, "That's OK, Sweetheart" and
spent the full five minutes looking for the ball. He found it just in
time, but in a horrible position. He played the shot of his life to
get the ball within two feet of the hole. He told his wife to knock
the ball in.

His wife then proceeded to take her putter out and knock
the ball off the green and into a bunker.

Still maintaining composure, the husband summoned all of
his skill and holed the shot from the bunker.

He took the ball out of the hole and while walking off the
green, put his arm around his wife and calmly said, "Honey, that was a
bogey five and that's OK, but I think we can do better on the next
hole."

To which she replied, "Listen buddy , don't b**** at me,
only 2 of those 5 shots were mine"


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#10 Kadin 25

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Posted 24 October 2012 - 02:32 PM

Ha ha nice!

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#11 inthefairway

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Posted 24 October 2012 - 04:52 PM

Good one!!!!  A five putt would be upsetting!!!!!

#12 Sean25rp

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Posted 24 October 2012 - 05:06 PM

Very funny and too true I'm sure.

#13 Gunner22

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Posted 24 October 2012 - 05:21 PM

Nice
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#14 Medson

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Posted 24 October 2012 - 06:56 PM

View PostPNWgolfer, on 24 October 2012 - 12:32 PM, said:

I thought this was pretty funny ...

*****************************************************************************************************************************
Wife's Diary:
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing..' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster. I cried myself to sleep.....

Husband's Diary:
A five putt...who the hell five putts?

This joke has been going around for a while with a variety of husband's diary entry. Another version goes husband: [insert favorite club] lost [insert score] today.

#15 bmoney003

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Posted 25 October 2012 - 07:08 AM

An older man rushes his wife into the emergency room, she is knocked unconscience.

The ER Dr asked what happened?

The man says, well We were playing golf and my wife was at the ladies tees when I teed off.  My drive hit her in the side of the head and she has been unconscious ever since.

Oh my! says the DR.  as he examines her..."I see two very large bruises on the side of her head, I thought you hit her with your golf ball, why are there two spots?"

old man "oh that was my mulligan"


#16 KaTooM

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Posted 25 October 2012 - 07:30 AM

View PostMedson, on 24 October 2012 - 06:56 PM, said:

View PostPNWgolfer, on 24 October 2012 - 12:32 PM, said:

I thought this was pretty funny ...

*****************************************************************************************************************************
Wife's Diary:
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing..' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster. I cried myself to sleep.....

Husband's Diary:
A five putt...who the hell five putts?

This joke has been going around for a while with a variety of husband's diary entry. Another version goes husband: [insert favorite club] lost [insert score] today.

LOL!!!! The first time I saw the joke the husband's entry in his diary read..."why won't my motorcycle start?"

Gotta admit...five putting is pretty hilarious!

#17 mwkbmw

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Posted 25 October 2012 - 08:51 AM

Bob and his wife were playing golf and he sliced his drive terribly, and ended up behind a maintenance shed. Bob pulled a wedge and was about to chip back to the fairway when his wife interrupted, "Look, Honey, if we open the doors on each end of the shed, you will have a straight shot towards the green". Sure enough, when they opened the doors it was just as she thought. He excitedly grabbed his 3 iron and proceeded to fire a low bullet towards the opening. Unfortunately, he pulled the shot a bit and it ricochetted off the building and hit his wife in the head, killing her instantly.

A couple of weeks later, Bob was playing with his best friend, Jim. On the same hole, he once again sliced his drive behind the maintnace shed. Bob pulled a wedge and was about to chip back to the fairway when Jim interrupted, "Look, Bob, if we open the doors on each end of the shed, you will have a straight shot towards the green".

Bob replied, "I tried that last time and there's NO WAY I'll do that again!"

"Why? What happened?", asked Jim.

"I made a freakin' TRIPLE!!"
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#18 Duffner's Waggle

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Posted 25 October 2012 - 09:46 AM

This isn't golf related, but still one of the best I've ever heard. Got this gem from a speaker at a national baseball coaches convention. Needless to say, the room roared with laughter:

Little Johnny sat in hist 1st grade class one day as the teacher asked a math question:

"Students, 3 crows sat on a branch overlooking a farmer's crop. The farmer shot one down; how many crows are left?"

Little Johnny thought for a moment, raised his hand an answered, "Teacher, there aren't any crows left."

"Now Johnny, how did you get that answer?"

"Well it's pretty simple," said little Johnny. " Crows aren't stupid. When one of them got shot, the other two flew away!"

The teacher smiled and laughed. "Well actually Johnny, that's not the answer that I was looking for, 3-1 equals 2, but I like the way you're thinkin'!"

Johnny wasn't done. "Teacher" he said, "I have a question for you now: 3 women are all sitting on a park bench eating an ice cream cone. One is licking the ice cream cone, one is sucking the ice cream cone, and one is biting the ice cream cone. Which one of the women is married?!"

The teacher's face was beet red. She felt all the eyes of her students glaring at her waiting for her answer. As she tried to pull herself together, she said sheepishly "Oh Johnny, I don't know! I guess I'd have to say the one who was sucking on the ice cream cone!"

Johnny smiled a crooked smile, and replied, "Actually, its the one with the wedding ring, BUT I LIKE THE WAY YOU'RE THINKIN'!"
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#19 Duffner's Waggle

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    Duffer....Dufner....DUFFner's Waggle....it's on purpose.

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Posted 25 October 2012 - 10:43 AM

Crickets.....

Guess ya had to be there? I still think its freakin hillarious even if I'm flyin solo on this one.
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#20 munihack

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Posted 25 October 2012 - 11:28 AM

i thought it was great


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#21 whcwhc

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Posted 25 October 2012 - 02:36 PM

lol... Johnny is in 1st grade?!?!
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#22 Bobtrumpet

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Posted 25 October 2012 - 06:08 PM

View Postwhcwhc, on 25 October 2012 - 02:36 PM, said:

lol... Johnny is in 1st grade?!?!

Doesn't say how old he is, though. Could be a Jethro Bodine - type. :)

#23 360_CS

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Posted 25 October 2012 - 06:34 PM

View Posteric_b, on 24 October 2012 - 01:49 PM, said:

Seriously....who the hell five putts?

More like who keeps a diary.

But that was funny.

#24 12stick12

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Posted 27 October 2012 - 12:05 AM

View PostDuffner, on 25 October 2012 - 09:46 AM, said:

This isn't golf related, but still one of the best I've ever heard. Got this gem from a speaker at a national baseball coaches convention. Needless to say, the room roared with laughter:

Little Johnny sat in hist 1st grade class one day as the teacher asked a math question:

"Students, 3 crows sat on a branch overlooking a farmer's crop. The farmer shot one down; how many crows are left?"

Little Johnny thought for a moment, raised his hand an answered, "Teacher, there aren't any crows left."

"Now Johnny, how did you get that answer?"

"Well it's pretty simple," said little Johnny. " Crows aren't stupid. When one of them got shot, the other two flew away!"

The teacher smiled and laughed. "Well actually Johnny, that's not the answer that I was looking for, 3-1 equals 2, but I like the way you're thinkin'!"

Johnny wasn't done. "Teacher" he said, "I have a question for you now: 3 women are all sitting on a park bench eating an ice cream cone. One is licking the ice cream cone, one is sucking the ice cream cone, and one is biting the ice cream cone. Which one of the women is married?!"

The teacher's face was beet red. She felt all the eyes of her students glaring at her waiting for her answer. As she tried to pull herself together, she said sheepishly "Oh Johnny, I don't know! I guess I'd have to say the one who was sucking on the ice cream cone!"

Johnny smiled a crooked smile, and replied, "Actually, its the one with the wedding ring, BUT I LIKE THE WAY YOU'RE THINKIN'!"

That was hilarious!! I even had to show it to my wife!

#25 Willie Malay

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Posted 29 October 2012 - 09:20 AM

Been married 25 years and that pretty much sums up everyday of married life. She worries about everything. I worry about "nothing".
Just yesterday I asked my friend if he was golfing. HIS answer: "It's cold". OK but are you playing? "It's windy". OK but are you playing? "Maybe". My response "Did I send this invite to my wife by accident? A simple yes or no will suffice for an answer".


#26 Troyefl

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Posted 30 October 2012 - 08:50 AM

Funny Joke.

#27 willywads

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Posted 30 October 2012 - 10:33 AM

A group of guys lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf. One transferred to another city. It wasn't the same without him.
cid:_1_0C4446D40C4441F0005AE9EC85257AA2
A new woman joined their Club. She overheard the guys talking about their golf round. She said, "You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next week?"
cid:_2_0C4449E40C4441F0005AE9EC85257AA2
The three guys looked at each other. Not one of them wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the spot. Finally, one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting early - at 6:30 a.m.
cid:_1_0C444CDC0C4441F0005AE9EC85257AA2

He figured the early tee-time would discourage her. The woman said this may be a problem, and asked if she could be up to 15 minutes late. They rolled their eyes, but said okay. She smiled and said, "Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."
cid:_1_0C4450040C4441F0005AE9EC85257AA2

She showed up at 6:30 sharp, and beat all three of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She was fun and a pleasant person, and the guys were impressed. Back at the clubhouse, they congratulated her and invited her back the next week. She smiled, and said, "I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."
cid:_1_0C4453640C4441F0005AE9EC85257AA2
The next week she again showed up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she played left-handed. The three guys were incredulous as she still beat them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They were totally amazed.
cid:_1_0C4456800C4441F0005AE9EC85257AA2

They couldn't figure her out. She was again very pleasant and didn't seem to be purposely showing them up. They invited her back again, but each man harbored a burning desire to beat her.
cid:_1_0C4459740C4441F0005AE9EC85257AA2
The third week, the guys had their game faces on. But this time, she was 15 minutes late, which made the guys irritable. This week the lady played right-handed, and narrowly beat all three of them.
cid:_1_0C445C800C4441F0005AE9EC85257AA2

The men mused that her late arrival was due to petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play, they couldn't hold a grudge.

Back in the clubhouse, all three guys were shaking their heads.

This woman was a riddle no one could figure out. They had a couple of beers, and finally, one of the men asked her point blank, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"
cid:_1_0C44607C0C4441F0005AE9EC85257AA2

The lady blushed, and grinned. "That's easy," she said. "When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I like to switch back and forth. When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his you-know-what was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed; if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed."
cid:_1_0C4464A40C4441F0005AE9EC85257AA2

The guys on the team thought this was hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, "But what if it's pointing straight up?"

She said, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."

#28 Duffner's Waggle

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Posted 30 October 2012 - 11:02 AM

HAHAHAHAHA! That's classic!
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#29 TMadigolf

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Posted 07 November 2012 - 08:55 PM

While spousal abuse is not funny this is my favorite golf joke...

Guy walks in the house after a round of golf and punches his wife in the face, after she gets up she yells what the hell was that for? His reply, i hit everything fat all day.

#30 sackgolf

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Posted 13 November 2012 - 04:51 PM

View PostPNWgolfer, on 24 October 2012 - 12:32 PM, said:

I thought this was pretty funny ...

*****************************************************************************************************************************
Wife's Diary:
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing..' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster. I cried myself to sleep.....

Husband's Diary:
A five putt...who the hell five putts?

Too funny!


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