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Career and relationship issues ... who's there right now?


30 replies to this topic

#1 morgan1819

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Posted 13 November 2018 - 10:47 AM

I've spent a bit of time on this site over the last few years, and have had some great conversations with other golfers.  But, I've never posted anything personal, so this is new ground for me in a way.

We've had some downsizing at our company (advertising/marketing and ecommerce), and am now looking for new employment.  I know most people have been there, so I feel like I will bounce back well from this.  

However, as of last week, my fiancee has decided it would be best for us to move on from each other.  We have been together for almost 7 fantastic years.  Our relationship has always been great (as far as I was aware), so it's hitting me pretty hard right now that she desires something more/different than what we have together.  We had some heart-to-heart discussions, and I really opened up about my desire to work through this, but she's not showing interesting in counseling, or working together to improve our situation.

Making things even more difficult, is that I moved to be with her, and met our current group of friends through her.  So not only am I  losing her, I will also be losing a nice group of friends.  (I am likely going to have to move to a larger city near me to find decent employment).

I keep telling myself I simply need to focus on the next step, stay hopeful and positive about what lies ahead, and not obsess about what appears to be already lost.  But of course, I'm still focusing on the loss.  It's been a little over a week since I've received the news, and I haven't been able to move on in a healthy way yet.

Who's been there?  What were your best resources?


...

Edited by morgan1819, 16 November 2018 - 09:48 AM.


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#2 Birdie Mac

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Posted 13 November 2018 - 01:59 PM

Seven years is a long time to be in a relationship and then to have it end. There is no magic bullet to getting over it. You're on the right course to focusing on the next step, etc. You have to put in the time and go through the process to get back on your feet. You didn't mention kids, so I assume you don't share any with her. The fact that you don't share kids, and aren't married makes it a lot easier.

I'm 10 years into a great marriage now, having survived 14 in a bad marriage, and, while I wouldn't want to relive the bad times, I have a deeper appreciation for the good place I'm in now. Use this time to get to know yourself better and seek happiness. You'll be fine.

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#3 GolfNuts4

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Posted 13 November 2018 - 02:47 PM

By no means a relationship guru, but will share a story that may help you. About 25 years ago I met a girl and we fell madly in love, moved in together and spent 6 years living together. We were still young, in our 20's and we both thought we would get married. Well, our relationship fell apart. I moved out and was crushed for quite some time. I eventually pulled out of it and ended up meeting the woman of my dreams, married her and it was the best thing that has ever happened to me. We have now been together over 25 years and are like "peas and carrots". We do everything together, have a blast and she plays golf!!

Moral of the story, hang in there, I am sure it hurts now, but I guarantee, it will work out for you and you will find the perfect soul mate.
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#4 morgan1819

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Posted 13 November 2018 - 02:49 PM

Thanks, Birdie.  You are correct, no children involved, which does make it less complicated, but the feelings are still there.  Our lives, families, belongings, etc., are very intertwined, so it is a little overwhelming for me at this point to consider what life is going to be like moving forward.

Edited by morgan1819, 13 November 2018 - 02:50 PM.


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#5 morgan1819

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Posted 13 November 2018 - 02:54 PM

View PostGolfNuts4, on 13 November 2018 - 02:47 PM, said:

By no means a relationship guru, but will share a story that may help you. About 25 years ago I met a girl and we fell madly in love, moved in together and spent 6 years living together. We were still young, in our 20's and we both thought we would get married. Well, our relationship fell apart. I moved out and was crushed for quite some time. I eventually pulled out of it and ended up meeting the woman of my dreams, married her and it was the best thing that has ever happened to me. We have now been together over 25 years and are like "peas and carrots". We do everything together, have a blast and she plays golf!!

Moral of the story, hang in there, I am sure it hurts now, but I guarantee, it will work out for you and you will find the perfect soul mate.

Thank you for sharing your story.  I will remember this as I move forward.  Now that I am in my 40's, I feel like it may be more complicated meeting someone, but who knows ... things happen for a reason.  Really looking forward to the dark clouds clearing, and finding some normalcy.


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#6 highergr0und

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Posted 13 November 2018 - 05:58 PM

Is she willing to try counseling?  At the very least it sounds like maybe you should try a few sessions to get your head right.

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#7 Obee

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Posted 13 November 2018 - 06:44 PM

Every day, buddy. Every day....
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#8 Obee

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Posted 13 November 2018 - 06:48 PM

View Postmorgan1819, on 13 November 2018 - 10:47 AM, said:

I've spent a bit of time on this site over the last few years, and have had some great conversations with other golfers.  But, I've never posted anything personal, so this is new ground for me in a way.

We've had some downsizing at our company (advertising/marketing and ecommerce), and am now looking for new employment.  I know most people have been there, so I feel like I will bounce back well from this.  

However, as of last week, my fiancee has decided it would be best for us to move on from each other.  We have been together for almost 7 fantastic years.  Our relationship has always been great (as far as I was aware), so it's hitting me pretty hard right now that she desires something more/different than what we have together.  We had some heart-to-heart discussions, and I really opened up about my desire to work through this, but she's simply not on board.

Making things even more difficult, is that I moved to be with her, and met our current group of friends through her.  So not only am I  losing her, I will also be losing a nice group of friends.  (I am likely going to have to move to a larger city near me to find decent employment).

I keep telling myself I simply need to focus on the next step, stay hopeful and positive about what lies ahead, and not obsess about what appears to be already lost.  But of course, I'm still focusing on the loss.  It's been a little over a week since I've received the news, and I haven't been able to move on in a healthy way yet.

Who's been there?  What were your best resources?


...

Definite thoughts and support coming to you from SoCal.

Never easy to go through this kind of thing.

I will say this: The fact that you have been together for seven years without getting married is amazing to me. I married my first wife after 9 months (we were together for 22 years) and my second wife after 6 months (married 6 years this January).

The older I've gotten, the more I've realized that the moment one person is willing to verbally signal that a relationship is "over," it's OVER. Time to mourn and then move on. No use trying to get her back at this point. I'm sure some will disagree, and that's fine. But I'm definitely a "move on now" kind of guy, and I was not at all that way when I was younger.
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#9 MtlJeff

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Posted 13 November 2018 - 07:21 PM

I agree with Obee. It's not a fun thing to hear but if one person is sure it's over, you really do not have much of a choice and the sooner you can process the sooner you can move on. Right now it's hard to hear obviously

The thing i always say is this, i think i read in a different thread that you are 48? You are going to be around a lot more time and the worst thing you can do is spend it unhappy. I have friends that are 35 and in unhappy marriages and i tell them that "dude you are going to live 40 more years!!!! You want to be unhappy that whole time!!!!". The thing is if she doesn't want to be with you....you are going to be unhappy. You don't want that

I was with a girl pretty much throughout my entire 20's and she broke up with me once and for all when we were 29. I was always much more into her than she was to me, but to this day we are still friends. She just wasn't into me like that....Man it SUCKED to hear at the time though. But i met my now-wife about 1 year later, and things are much better now than they were, because unless both people are into it, it just doesn't end up with you being happy. Because things need to be even....once one side works to "save" a relationship, it creates an imbalance that will always be there. Both people have to want it saved.

So , it sucks....it will suck for a while. And 5 years from now you'll probably be better off.
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#10 Wriggles

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Posted 14 November 2018 - 06:30 AM

Very devastating to be told it's over.  But, better now than years and children later.  It's normal to grieve.  From experience, I know a situation like this is tougher to deal with than a death.

Move on.  A new job in a new city will help.  New surroundings will help heal the wounds. Work, get out, play golf, and other activities.

As Sherlock Holmes said, "Work is the best antidote for sorrow."

Miss Right will come along.

Good Luck!


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#11 Matchplay10033

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Posted 14 November 2018 - 07:51 AM

If one person builds up the courage to say a relationship of 7 years is over then it is pretty much over.   I have been dumped like this twice and in my situation my girlfriend's had already started scouting out and pretty much secured their next relationship.    In hindsight it would have been much better for me to simply cut all contact and immediately move on instead of linger and discover the slow truth.    The first one I went through was absolutely brutal and one of the lowest points of my life.  It was in the winter.... immediately after it happened I came down with double pneumonia and was hospitalized for a week.   It took me two months to recover from being sick while she was moving on with her life.   I couldn't workout,  couldn't golf, couldn't go out with my friends.    Once I started occupying  my time everything got better !    The second one was much easier as I blocked her number and threw myself into my hobbies.   What I honesty found was once the initial shock and depression was over the periods that followed were the best in my life !   I focused on myself,  my hobbies,  and improving myself.... I soon forgot all about getting dumped and was in a much better position than when I was in those relationships.

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#12 golfandfishing

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Posted 14 November 2018 - 08:58 AM

I am so, so sorry to say that I donít think you are saving this relationship. There really isnít any going back after a break thatís is as definitive as you described. She has decided, and you absolutely do not want to ďsellĒ anyone on being in a relationship. You will never fully trust her with your heart again, you will always be wondering if today is the day she decides to leave again. Iím so very sorry to have you go through that, a 7 year relationship is an emotional investment you hate to see deteriorate to nothing like that. Let your job search take you to the next place in life - same city, new city, whatever. Build from there, work often sets us up personally, you have a great opportunity to put this behind you and the perfect reason(s) to relocate and/or build a new set of friendships.



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#13 morgan1819

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Posted 14 November 2018 - 08:59 AM

Thanks again to all of you.

Obee:  hope you and your family are safe in CA.  Unimaginable to me what is going on out there with the fires.

I'm definitely still in the first stage of this, and of course I can't use golf as therapy because it's 25 degrees and snowing here in Michigan!  I should have asked her to at least wait until April to have the talk.

But everyone is right of course, there really is no other answer than to move on and immerse myself into finding a new career and housing.

The biggest challenge at the moment is just trying to find ways to get my mind off of the past.  I guess that is truly part of the grieving process that can't be skipped over.  It would be nice to start sleeping  for more than an hour or two per night though ....

Edited by morgan1819, 14 November 2018 - 09:07 AM.


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#14 golfandfishing

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Posted 14 November 2018 - 09:02 AM

Also, and I mean this with all sincerity- go put the wood to a stranger. Soon.

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#15 deadsolid...shank

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Posted 14 November 2018 - 09:03 AM

Really no advice Morgan, just well wishes. Hopefully this setback is only temporary and leads to much better things in the near future.

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#16 HoosierHacker89

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Posted 14 November 2018 - 09:59 AM

Breaks up after a relationship of substantial length are one of the hardest situations to go through in life. I went through a divorce of a 9 years marriage and a tough break up with an old flame in an 18 month period, and it was all emotionally draining and devastating.  The only advice i have is that time truly does heal all wounds, and things get better day by day. I remember being so depressed and drinking myself into a blackout for about 2 weeks straight and i finally just gave up on feeling sorry for myself. It still hurt for the next 12 months, but every month things just got better. Focus on things you can control like getting a job, get in the best shape of your life, read a lot of self help book and learn from this opportunity, saving tons of money and traveling. You messed up (in her mind) somewhere along the way for this woman to fall out of love with you. See what you can do to grow, learn and develop to become a better man and mate. Out of adversity comes the greatest opportunity and motivation to grow. You got this boss. You'll be so much better of a partner for next great love of your life.

I will say that it does also strike me as odd that you'd been with this girl seven years and didn't marry her. I think that says more about your relationship to me than the break up.
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#17 Obee

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Posted 14 November 2018 - 10:51 AM

Good forum of people here.... :-)
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#18 Birdie Mac

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Posted 14 November 2018 - 03:06 PM

Here are a few tips I learned from experience to pass on to others:

1) The secret to a successful marriage is to marry the right person. If you're lucky, you'll know very soon.
2) Never get into a relationship with someone because you feel sorry for them.
3) Beware of short courtships. Try to give it a year before the proposal. That gives you both the chance to see each other at your best and worst, and you'll know if you can deal with it.
4) Don't expect your partner to provide your happiness for you. They are a helpmate on your journey. Your happiness is your responsibility.
5) Be slow to anger, quick to forgive.
6) Relationships are give and take. Have an understanding that you get what you want by helping your partner get what they want.

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#19 morgan1819

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Posted 14 November 2018 - 03:07 PM

View PostHoosierHacker89, on 14 November 2018 - 09:59 AM, said:

Breaks up after a relationship of substantial length are one of the hardest situations to go through in life. I went through a divorce of a 9 years marriage and a tough break up with an old flame in an 18 month period, and it was all emotionally draining and devastating.  The only advice i have is that time truly does heal all wounds, and things get better day by day. I remember being so depressed and drinking myself into a blackout for about 2 weeks straight and i finally just gave up on feeling sorry for myself. It still hurt for the next 12 months, but every month things just got better. Focus on things you can control like getting a job, get in the best shape of your life, read a lot of self help book and learn from this opportunity, saving tons of money and traveling. You messed up (in her mind) somewhere along the way for this woman to fall out of love with you. See what you can do to grow, learn and develop to become a better man and mate. Out of adversity comes the greatest opportunity and motivation to grow. You got this boss. You'll be so much better of a partner for next great love of your life.

I will say that it does also strike me as odd that you'd been with this girl seven years and didn't marry her. I think that says more about your relationship to me than the break up.

You are correct on all counts.  My first few days of this were extremely introspective, looking at who I am, how I interact with others, how I express my feelings, and how can I improve as a person.  I have already grown as a person, and know there will always be room to improve.  And as you said, the absolute best thing that can come out of this, is that I am a better partner for the next woman in my life.

.

Edited by morgan1819, 14 November 2018 - 03:35 PM.


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#20 morgan1819

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Posted 14 November 2018 - 03:09 PM

View PostObee, on 14 November 2018 - 10:51 AM, said:

Good forum of people here.... :-)

I absolutely agree.


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#21 bubbagump

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Posted 14 November 2018 - 03:55 PM

Tinder.  Hobbies.  Friends/Family. Re focus on your own self, find things out about yourself and move on and upward.

Edited by bubbagump, 14 November 2018 - 03:56 PM.

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#22 Mych

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Posted 14 November 2018 - 06:34 PM

What saved my marriage is that we took some time apart to figure out what we were really mad about. When we there together trying to work through it real-time, it was hard to figure out the difference between frustrations caused by personalities, jobs, outside committments, kids, pets, household responsibilities, etc. So we might be angry about the other person leaving their towel on the floor, and instead of discussing as an issue of being considerate to each other, it's "you think I'm your maid" or "you're lazy" or "you're a filthy person", all of which are painful and personality-based rather than just not being thoughtful enough about sharing space.

A little time apart helped us to get back into the mindset that existed when we started dating, which means that to get together we had to make plans to spend time together (prioritize our relationship), we'd put our best foot forward (dress nice, smell good, use good manners, talk politely, bring flowers, be on time), and make sure that we didn't get distracted (cell phones, kids, etc). All of a sudden we could easily see what we loved about each other and why we got together in the first place. It wasn't easy, but it made it very clear what we needed to do to be able to be together, and if we didn't we knew where it would lead back to.

As adults, an important thing to remember is that you're together because you want to be with that person, not because you need to be with that person. I don't need her and she doesn't need me. The kids need both of us, but they don't need us fighting. So for anything else that I "want" to do, I'm going to go out of my way to make it enjoyable. When I want to play golf I look for good weather, a nice course, good friends to play with, etc. For the most part I don't need to play, I want to play. So when playing becomes a burden, I find other things to do that are more enjoyable. If I want to maintain my relationship, I can't make it a burden for her to be with me (and vice versa), so I need to constantly give her the sunny day, nice environment, and good friend that would make her want to spend her day there.

Good luck!

Edited by Mych, 14 November 2018 - 06:41 PM.

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6 club minimalist: Cobra F8 OL 3H (tee+putting) ~ Forged One 5/7/9 ~ King 50,56 ~ Silo Club Carrier

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#23 BeerPerHole

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Posted 15 November 2018 - 04:56 PM

Sorry to hear that Morgan. I only read your initial post, FWIW. I suggest you let her go. Fighting for the relationship while she's showing no interest is worst than pounding sand...it's probably hurting your odds that she'll come to her senses. Best to wish her the best and let her fly. She might actually realize in short order that she messed up. Don't string it out on your knees.
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#24 BeerPerHole

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Posted 15 November 2018 - 05:00 PM

View Postgolfandfishing, on 14 November 2018 - 09:02 AM, said:

Also, and I mean this with all sincerity- go put the wood to a stranger. Soon.
I am also sincere and coming from decades of experience...follow this man's advice. Somebody else also mentioned focusing on improving yourself. Both are great ideas. Onward and upward, baby!
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#25 Glaze22

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Posted 16 November 2018 - 12:48 PM

I was in a similar situation but for 5 years. Started off great, stayed that way until the end. When it came down to it I realized 2 things, 1: I learned a lot about myself in the relationship and what I was capable of in all aspects of it. 2: Even though the relationship was great I still settled in a way, putting up with certain things. I realized I DO NOT HAVE TO SETTLE for the things I really want. In a relationship or any other aspect, and you dont either!!!!!

Your relationship was great, it blindsided you when it ended which sucks, but you will be stronger and better off because of it. Someone is out there that will blow your mind so awesome you wont be able to wait to marry them.

Now married for 9 years and 2 kids with my best friend.

As for your job, you will find one making more money and can spend it doing what you want and on who you want.


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#26 KammaQwazi

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Posted 16 November 2018 - 12:52 PM

View Postmorgan1819, on 13 November 2018 - 10:47 AM, said:

I've spent a bit of time on this site over the last few years, and have had some great conversations with other golfers.  But, I've never posted anything personal, so this is new ground for me in a way.

We've had some downsizing at our company (advertising/marketing and ecommerce), and am now looking for new employment.  I know most people have been there, so I feel like I will bounce back well from this.  

However, as of last week, my fiancee has decided it would be best for us to move on from each other.  We have been together for almost 7 fantastic years.  Our relationship has always been great (as far as I was aware), so it's hitting me pretty hard right now that she desires something more/different than what we have together.  We had some heart-to-heart discussions, and I really opened up about my desire to work through this, but she's not showing interesting in counseling, or working together to improve our situation.

Making things even more difficult, is that I moved to be with her, and met our current group of friends through her.  So not only am I  losing her, I will also be losing a nice group of friends.  (I am likely going to have to move to a larger city near me to find decent employment).

I keep telling myself I simply need to focus on the next step, stay hopeful and positive about what lies ahead, and not obsess about what appears to be already lost.  But of course, I'm still focusing on the loss.  It's been a little over a week since I've received the news, and I haven't been able to move on in a healthy way yet.

Who's been there?  What were your best resources?


...

I am extremely sorry to hear about this. My only advice is do not assume that those friends are gone. I have multiple people that are great friends of mine that went through a similar situation, and I was able to remain friends with both parties. The only one I did not continue to spend time with was one who thought I should choose her over her ex husband because I met her first. I became extremely close with him and he had no such request so it was an easy decision. Best case is when you can still maintain friendships with both parties. Sometimes they can also help you through the situation as well.

Take care and I hope things improve for you!
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#27 mshills

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Posted 16 November 2018 - 03:39 PM

View Postgolfandfishing, on 14 November 2018 - 09:02 AM, said:

Also, and I mean this with all sincerity- go put the wood to a stranger. Soon.

^^^^This.  Drop it like it's HOT.  Also must point out the person who posted this is in a prime location for an established, single man in his 40s.

Edited by mshills, 16 November 2018 - 03:41 PM.

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#28 KAndyMan

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Posted 20 November 2018 - 02:36 AM

I know this thread is a week old now and hopefully you are doing a bit better now. But damn Brother thats a ruff run you are going through and it sucks to hear.  

Its going to be a grieving process like someone close to you has died. You will go through the 5 stages of grief (be true to yourself and dont try and just ignore it) If you need to step aside from life for a hour or day/two here and there you more than deserve the right to do so.
You sound like a stand up dude for obviously going above and beyond trying to do the right thing. Its plain as day you actually care.
So i tip my hat to you for that.
I had a similar situation with a chick about 13 years ago and i thought i would never find anyone that perfect ever again. Holy smokes was i wrong. Not going into detail but her leaving was the best thing that couldve happened to me.
Ive also had businesses that ive put YEARS of 100+ hour weeks into slowly die off. (Im a stubborn b@$*ard) and again i thought that was the end of all hope. Only again to be totally wrong in every way. So in your case of the employer downsizing it was kind of out of your power unless you were the owner. So dont beat yourself up over that. Lucky for you the westside of the state is doing pretty good right now and finding work shouldnt be too hard. Maybe even broaden you horizons as to the type of work you do.
What other industries/businesses could utilize your knowledge and do you have in interest in developing new skills? Im sure if you really thought about it you might be surprised what you come up with.

Its kind of a jerk way of thinking/living but at times its necessary to just think "well if thats how the other person wants to be then F*** em its their loss so ill go give my love/attention to someone who will appreciate it and return the favor".

You are going through a "life storm" and it will pass to give way to sunny 75* days. I dont know much but i can promise you that. Once you do get to those sunny days again you will have more love and appreciation to give to the next people that come into your life.
What is the saying "smooth seas never made a skilled sailor"?
You WILL be a stronger/better person once you get back to being your normal self. Just make sure to stay hydrated, eat, sleep, exercise and be around other people that truly love you in return as much as you possibly can.

Plus i agree she had to be a c*** and leave at the worst time of year here in MI. Though i have to say she actually did you a solid. Just think if she left in April when season was starting up and your golf game suffered bc you were still thinking about her. Trying to hit a 7 iron over the water with a clear mind to win a nice little $10 2 down game is hard enough on its own....
Ohh yea i suggest watching some CPG on the ole youtube. He will make you laugh.  

If you have the resources it also might be a good time for a trip south to sneak in a few rounds, clear your mind and get a fresh new perspective on the direction you want the next chapter to go. Never know you might find yourself a good lookin JCPenny kinda gal fresh off a divorce that just cleaned out her ex for a few mil looking for her next adventure......

Back to the quotes.. "if you want to keep a horse from kicking, keep it so busy pulling that it doesnt have time to even think about kicking" Meaning try to find something else you are passionate about and become a little OCD with it. Then you wont have time to worry about the past.

I truly hope things are looking up for you and you have some good family to be around during the upcoming holidays. If not i suggest donating some of your time to a local charity that serves people that are less fortunate than yourself. Its surprising how quickly that can put things into perspective and how much good you can actually get in return from it.

6 months or a year from now you will look back at this thread and think "Man im glad thats over and life is pretty dam good actually" Plus it should be close to golf season again in MI.      hopefully...

(Sorry for the "rant" and if it was all over the place. Sometimes the ADHD makes typing stuff like this pretty difficult.)

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#29 morgan1819

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Posted 20 November 2018 - 04:01 PM

Appreciate the post, Kman.  Reading everyone's stories and advice has helped me realize just how many people have "been there".

My situation really does suck, but it's the hand I've been dealt, and I have to play it.

It's been a week since my initial post, and I am still in a bit of a fog.  Most of my time is spent networking, refining my resume, and applying for employment.  Also trying to work out as much as possible, as many have suggested.  Unfortunately have not been able to golf, with winter setting in early here in Michigan.  Probably would feel guilty anyway, with my current financial situation.

I'm committed to following the healthy advice several have taken the time to offer in this thread (and even considering some of the others ... lol), and moving forward with as much optimism as I can.  It does seem to get about .05% less bleak every day.

What else can you do, right?

Thanks again.

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#30 halliedog

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Posted 22 November 2018 - 05:43 PM

Feel for you man, as my 20 year marriage is a little (who we kidding, a LOT) shaky at the moment.  Not sure if you've seen this, but thought it might bring a little humor to you:

http://www.golfwrx.c...0-ugly-divorce/

Hopefully you are with family/friends today - I'm sitting at home by myself right now getting ready to make my Thanksgiving meal for one (shrimp cocktail/microwave mashed potatoes/corn/store bought turkey and stuffing) due to me and the Mrs. being on the outs right now.  She's at her family's having all the trimmings and mine lives too far away to drive to for one day (I have to work tomorrow), but I'm making the most out of it and not letting it get me down.

A good dog, a video game/binge watching some good TV, and a steady diet of Fireballs will get us through - it's really just another Thursday after-all, and we got a 4 day work week!  Keep your chin up, and you'll be fine!

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