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Chuck Norris Jokes Here


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#1 Silicon Valley Dale

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Posted 07 February 2018 - 03:20 AM

I'm sitting here with my little doggie having a hard time sleeping. To my total shock I'm watching an infomercial with Chuck Norris hawking the "Total Gym". He's ruining my image of him here, it's almost sad to watch. He's talking about how he uses it so his arms don't get flabby. That can't be Chuck Norris, no?

So make me feel better. Throw out your best Chuck Norris jokes or one liners here. If this is a repeat feel free to do the dreaded merge. Chuck Norris wouldn't stand for a merge but I guess I can take it so I'll start....

Chuck Norris once went skydiving. While falling he couldn't get his parachute to open. He took it back later that day for a refund. The military surplus store gave him a full refund and a grenade. He used that grenade to kill 50 people. Then the grenade exploded.

Full roundhouse kicks to everyone that doesn't participate.


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#2 Chief Illiniwek

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Posted 07 February 2018 - 07:37 AM

Probably my favorite is Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he never cries.

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#3 Hit 'Em Straight

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Posted 07 February 2018 - 07:55 AM

Chuck Norris doesn't dial the wrong number.  You answer the wrong phone.

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#4 Jackal

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Posted 07 February 2018 - 09:10 AM

Chuck Norris can blow bubbles with beef jerky.
Chuck can speak Braille.

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#5 Kingcat990

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Posted 07 February 2018 - 09:59 AM

When Chuck Norris does a push up, he doesn't push himself up, he pushes the earth down.

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#6 The Mad Bomber

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Posted 07 February 2018 - 10:02 AM

Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice.

Chuck Norris' calendar goes from March 31st, right to April 2nd...because nobody fools Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris set the land speed record on bicycle that was missing the front tire and the chain.

Superman wears Chuck Norris pyjamas

Edited by The Mad Bomber, 07 February 2018 - 10:02 AM.

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#7 chickenpotpie

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Posted 07 February 2018 - 10:05 AM

Chuck Norris caught all the Pokémon Go characters from a landline
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#8 blaird

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Posted 07 February 2018 - 11:04 AM

According to the theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can roundhouse kick you yesterday

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#9 Jackal

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Posted 07 February 2018 - 03:01 PM

Chuck sleeps with a nightlight because the dark is scared of him.

Edited by Jackal, 07 February 2018 - 03:02 PM.


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#10 CHuntsman

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Posted 07 February 2018 - 03:10 PM

Chuck Norris has already been to Mars, that's why there's no sign of life!


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#11 chickenpotpie

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Posted 07 February 2018 - 08:23 PM

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right fists.

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

If Chuck Norris played a Spartan in a movie, the movie would be called “1”.


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#12 bscinstnct

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Posted 07 February 2018 - 09:29 PM

Haha! Awesome. How bout...



Tony Montana be like,

"Say hello to my little....wait, its Chuck Norris, get the man some tea"

Sorry, sorry. Trying to make Chuck Norris jokes is hard.

I just saw this one>

Chuck Norris gmail account is:

Gmail@chucknorris.com





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#13 UofU02

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Posted 07 February 2018 - 09:46 PM

Chuck Norris doesn’t teabag the ladies...he potato sacks them.
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#14 Hawkeye77

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Posted 07 February 2018 - 11:19 PM

Only man who ever told Hogan to F off who survived.

(Might as well give Hogan some love).

Edited by Hawkeye77, 07 February 2018 - 11:19 PM.


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#15 SixtySomePing

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Posted 08 February 2018 - 04:57 AM

Chuck Norris has run one marathon, it started at birth... :superman2:

Chuck will never be a winner on "The Biggest Loser"


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#16 hammy83

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Posted 08 February 2018 - 07:51 AM

God has a picture of Chuck Norris he prays to every night

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#17 Qqq123xx

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Posted 08 February 2018 - 11:09 AM

Chuck Norris gets his iron from chewing barbed wire.

The only time anyone looks Chuck Norris in the eye is when he looks in the mirror.
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#18 Mr. Wolfe

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Posted 08 February 2018 - 11:13 AM

Okay, this is probably counter-productive, but....

Posted Image

Mr. Wolfe

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#19 Mr. Wolfe

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Posted 08 February 2018 - 11:28 AM

View PostKingcat990, on 07 February 2018 - 09:59 AM, said:

When Chuck Norris does a push up, he doesn't push himself up, he pushes the earth down.

lol was going to post this. Chuck Norris does not do "Push Ups", he does "Earth Downs".

Mr. Wolfe

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#20 highergr0und

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Posted 08 February 2018 - 05:06 PM

View PostMr. Wolfe, on 08 February 2018 - 11:28 AM, said:

View PostKingcat990, on 07 February 2018 - 09:59 AM, said:

When Chuck Norris does a push up, he doesn't push himself up, he pushes the earth down.

lol was going to post this. Chuck Norris does not do "Push Ups", he does "Earth Downs".

Mr. Wolfe

I came here for the same one too!!  Dammit


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#21 Jackal

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Posted 09 February 2018 - 08:58 PM

Chuck Norris won a staring contest with the Sun!

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#22 thug the bunny

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Posted 12 February 2018 - 08:11 PM

A cop once pulled Cuck Norris over....luckily the cop left with only a warning.

Jesus could walk on water....Chuck Norris could swim through land.
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#23 jamesg.nz

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Posted 13 February 2018 - 12:37 AM

In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.
"If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball."

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#24 sharkiesj

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Posted 13 February 2018 - 03:44 PM

When Chuck Norris read the, Could a scratch golfer break 85 at Augusta? thread, he flat out laughed out loud.  That was his answer and everyone understood.

Edited by sharkiesj, 13 February 2018 - 03:45 PM.


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#25 Qqq123xx

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    I wake up take a few steps and am in a haze the rest of the day.

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Posted 13 February 2018 - 06:48 PM

Chuck Norris doesn't sleep, he just rests his pinky.

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#26 Kragster

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Posted 14 February 2018 - 09:54 AM

They tried to make a Chuck Norris brand toilet paper, but unfortunately Chuck Norris doesn't take s*** from anybody.

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#27 thug the bunny

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Posted 14 February 2018 - 09:32 PM

Chuck Norris can win an argument with his wife.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
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#28 Lord Helmet

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Posted 15 February 2018 - 09:51 AM

Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands.  Now they are referred to as just the islands.
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#29 Qqq123xx

Qqq123xx

    I wake up take a few steps and am in a haze the rest of the day.

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Posted 25 February 2018 - 03:09 PM

When Chuck Norris golfs, he doesn't bring any clubs. He just wills the ball into the hole.
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#30 bscinstnct

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Posted 25 February 2018 - 10:23 PM

Chuck Norris win gold in the luge

On a platic saucer.


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