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Question on golfing over attending a birthday party


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#1 Matchplay10033

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Posted 05 October 2017 - 08:38 AM

Ok  looking for a general idea if doing this makes me a horrible person.    My fiancé informed me last week that we will be attending the 4th birthday of her cousins child.    When she told me this I pretty much said... Have fun.. I am not going.  I had agreed to play golf that day with my friends.   I was pissed that she just assumed I would want to spend a beautiful afternoon with her cousin's, 4 year old kid,  3 year old demon who bites and doesn't stop screaming,  her cousin's wife's family who is absolutely obnoxious...plus I wasn't even asked if I had any plans.    She is not particularly close with this cousin as we have NEVER been to their home before and we do not receive Christmas cards from this cousin.  

Would it be rude of me to not go... If it was my cousin's, kids birthday party I would probably be inclined to send a card with a gift and not even ask tell my fiancé about it.


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#2 bigmoneyp

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Posted 05 October 2017 - 10:09 AM

If you don't have a kid that is going to the party then 0% chance you need to go. We don't even invite family to our kids party's anymore (except for grandparents) bc no one without a kid wants to spend their afternoon doing it, I know I don't. We only invite friends that have kids of a similar age that we actually wanna hang out with anyway.

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#3 dennis4190

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Posted 05 October 2017 - 10:19 AM

Cousin’s child’s birthday? Hit em good!!

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#4 Matchplay10033

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Posted 05 October 2017 - 06:23 PM

Thank you!!! Feel much better about my 36!!

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#5 tuckman

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Posted 05 October 2017 - 07:31 PM

Seems like you both have communication issues. If you both would talk about your plans before you make them then this would not be an issue.

You are not married yet so I think it would be fine to play golf. But when you get married then communication and compromise is huge.


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#6 sandtrap

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Posted 05 October 2017 - 08:48 PM

 tuckman, on 05 October 2017 - 07:31 PM, said:

Seems like you both have communication issues. If you both would talk about your plans before you make them then this would not be an issue.

You are not married yet so I think it would be fine to play golf. But when you get married then communication and compromise is huge.


So your girlfriend is tuckman?
She sounds ok with you golfing now but you are going to owe her later:)


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#7 Qqq123xx

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Posted 05 October 2017 - 11:18 PM

Tell your significant other to have a great time.
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#8 Wriggles

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Posted 06 October 2017 - 05:06 AM

I hate to tell you this, it's just going to get worse, much worse.  Your fiancé probably is VERY close to her family and extended family.  This will plague you all your life.  She still may be the girl of your dreams, but family is everything.

I have had this situation for 34 years.  We never had children, so family was that much more important for my wife.  Since "Mom" passed in 2014, at the age of 90, life has been a lot better.  Prior to that, every week included some sort of family event.  Birthday parties for every grandchild, great grandchild, niece, nephew, grandniece, grandnephew, etc.  Every holiday known to mankind included a family get together.  I usually drove "Mom" and my dearest, to all this that didn't take place at Mom's house.  My dearest was the only child of seven, I even took "Mom" to doctor's appointments, fixed faucets, and did other chores.  The other siblings could have a life.

I can't say I regret it all.  It just happened that way.

It's all give and take.  The husband gives and the wife and her family take.  My Dad, AND a close pal of mine, had the same situation I describe.  So, these situations are not isolated.  I'm sure stuff like this adds to the rate of divorce.

So, the big question is, "Am I better off with this lady or not?"

Only you can answer this.

Good Luck!

Edited by Wriggles, 06 October 2017 - 05:16 AM.


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#9 golfandfishing

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Posted 06 October 2017 - 06:16 AM

Buddy you gotta tell her that this cousinís family is a flaming disaster and that your free time away from work wonít be spent in an environment worse than the one you are granted 2 free days from. It will be an argument - be prepared, donít yell, make calm, factual points and stand your ground. Accept in advance that she will be mad, but you will both get over it. She needs to know now that you wonít go to every single minor extended family event, but you will go to some.






BTW - Enjoy the party. LEGOís are a good gift

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#10 Matchplay10033

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Posted 06 October 2017 - 07:46 AM

HAHAH !  I am actually very lucky compared to a lot of my friends.   I have never had any restrictions put on me or demands made about cutting out my hobbies or even limiting them.   For the most part she is very low maintenance... I can golf every single day, hunt and fish whenever I want,  go on golf trips, guys trips... etc.. etc.... its almost like I am single.   If this was any other family member of hers I would probably have no issue attending this party. The wife is a mess and her family ( from what I saw at the wedding)  are complete tools... two of her brothers  are raging alcoholic... and plenty of alcohol will be at this party. She told me last night that her other cousin and husband are coming to pick her up on Saturday and if I want to go that's fine.. if not no big deal.   I will take her somewhere nice next weekend lol.


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#11 Bugrun

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Posted 06 October 2017 - 07:54 AM

4 year olds don't know anything about birthday parties.

It's really an excuse for a party for the adults (parents), so feel free not to attend.  Just send a nice present for the kid with the excuse that you had a prior appointment.

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#12 scomac2002

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Posted 06 October 2017 - 09:18 AM

 Matchplay10033, on 06 October 2017 - 07:46 AM, said:

HAHAH !  I am actually very lucky compared to a lot of my friends.   I have never had any restrictions put on me or demands made about cutting out my hobbies or even limiting them.   For the most part she is very low maintenance... I can golf every single day, hunt and fish whenever I want,  go on golf trips, guys trips... etc.. etc.... its almost like I am single.   If this was any other family member of hers I would probably have no issue attending this party. The wife is a mess and her family ( from what I saw at the wedding)  are complete tools... two of her brothers  are raging alcoholic... and plenty of alcohol will be at this party. She told me last night that her other cousin and husband are coming to pick her up on Saturday and if I want to go that's fine.. if not no big deal.   I will take her somewhere nice next weekend lol.

This will all change the moment you say I do.  Wriggles is right; get used to it.
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#13 Matchplay10033

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Posted 06 October 2017 - 09:48 AM

 scomac2002, on 06 October 2017 - 09:18 AM, said:

 Matchplay10033, on 06 October 2017 - 07:46 AM, said:

HAHAH !  I am actually very lucky compared to a lot of my friends.   I have never had any restrictions put on me or demands made about cutting out my hobbies or even limiting them.   For the most part she is very low maintenance... I can golf every single day, hunt and fish whenever I want,  go on golf trips, guys trips... etc.. etc.... its almost like I am single.   If this was any other family member of hers I would probably have no issue attending this party. The wife is a mess and her family ( from what I saw at the wedding)  are complete tools... two of her brothers  are raging alcoholic... and plenty of alcohol will be at this party. She told me last night that her other cousin and husband are coming to pick her up on Saturday and if I want to go that's fine.. if not no big deal.   I will take her somewhere nice next weekend lol.

This will all change the moment you say I do.  Wriggles is right; get used to it.

We have been engaged since 2012.... Maybe I will keep dragging this out... :not_i:

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#14 JerseyBoy

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Posted 06 October 2017 - 09:59 AM

Life is about balance. If you get to fish, hunt, Golf every day, then perhaps giving up one day of that is not that unreasonable.

If you intend on having a family, your lifestyle will change drastically. Did you happen to have that discussion with your soon to be wife?

"it's almost like I am single". That will change as well once the wedding happens and you start a family.

I don't know. I think that eventually, this will become a major issue for you.

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#15 tuckman

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Posted 06 October 2017 - 09:55 PM

 golfandfishing, on 06 October 2017 - 06:16 AM, said:

Buddy you gotta tell her that this cousinís family is a flaming disaster and that your free time away from work wonít be spent in an environment worse than the one you are granted 2 free days from. It will be an argument - be prepared, donít yell, make calm, factual points and stand your ground. Accept in advance that she will be mad, but you will both get over it. She needs to know now that you wonít go to every single minor extended family event, but you will go to some.






BTW - Enjoy the party. LEGOís are a good gift

This is pure gold!

And Jerseyboy is spot on.


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#16 bladehunter

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Posted 07 October 2017 - 10:44 PM

 JerseyBoy, on 06 October 2017 - 09:59 AM, said:

Life is about balance. If you get to fish, hunt, Golf every day, then perhaps giving up one day of that is not that unreasonable.

If you intend on having a family, your lifestyle will change drastically. Did you happen to have that discussion with your soon to be wife?

"it's almost like I am single". That will change as well once the wedding happens and you start a family.

I don't know. I think that eventually, this will become a major issue for you.


You are correct but it's the terms in which you do it that matters.  Don't set the precedent  that her telling you what youre doing in the weekend is ok.  Tell her you'll go , but next time you expect some notice and that asking always gets better results than telling.   And expect to do the same for her.  Marriages that work are always compromised decisions every day.  My wife will ask me " so what are your weekend plans " which she and I know translates to do you have a tee time yet or are you open.  And by open we mean I can play around what ever it is she is scheduling.    She knows that all I'm asking for is 4 hours or so on Sunday.  The rest of the weekend is all hers.  I think that's a pretty fair trade.  I sneak in the rest of my rounds around work.  Lol.    But I also am the household cook , kid taxi driver and do all the grocery shopping.   So I think she makes out pretty well.  .  Point is just be prepared to pay for it in some way.  Better to work out the terms before hand than to owe her an unspecified amount after the fact.  Don't like how that sounds ?  Then marriage isn't for you.  Sighed. Husband of 15 years.
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#17 dukeman

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Posted 08 October 2017 - 08:47 AM

The question is bigger than golf. Do you want kids? If so, get married and get used to a lifetime of birthdays and other events in which there is nothing for you.  Life will be about your kids and the kids of other people. If you really want kids, it will be worth it.

If not, enjoy golf and this woman as long as she lasts then get another one.

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#18 Bob Cat

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Posted 08 October 2017 - 08:47 AM

 JerseyBoy, on 06 October 2017 - 09:59 AM, said:

Life is about balance. If you get to fish, hunt, Golf every day, then perhaps giving up one day of that is not that unreasonable.

If you intend on having a family, your lifestyle will change drastically. Did you happen to have that discussion with your soon to be wife?

"it's almost like I am single". That will change as well once the wedding happens and you start a family.

I don't know. I think that eventually, this will become a major issue for you.

OP's been engaged for 5 years so I think he's way ahead of us on this.
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#19 larrybud

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Posted 08 October 2017 - 07:24 PM

My wife and I don't go to children's birthday parties.  Neither of us have kids, and just because someone else decided to reproduce doesn't mean that should be on us.

We also made a deal when we met that neither​ is obligated to go to any of the other's family events, since we both have large families.  Heck, I don't want to go to my own family stuff. Lol.

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#20 Wriggles

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Posted 09 October 2017 - 04:55 AM

 dukeman, on 08 October 2017 - 08:47 AM, said:

The question is bigger than golf. Do you want kids? If so, get married and get used to a lifetime of birthdays and other events in which there is nothing for you.  Life will be about your kids and the kids of other people. If you really want kids, it will be worth it.

If not, enjoy golf and this woman as long as she lasts then get another one.

Have to agree 100%!


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