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Grandpa Golf Sayings


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#1 brockgolf44

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Posted 15 May 2017 - 03:59 PM

Was just thinking about all the funny little anecdotes/sayings I learned from my grandpa and his friends on the golf course growing up...  Thought I would maybe start a thread with the best ones you have heard from the "old guys" you play with...or if you are an old guy give us some material to use on our next outing.  Lets be honest...if your under 60, your little golf sayings are not as funny as the 60+ guys.

-After complaining about my lie behind a tree
"If you dont like where your ball ended up...you shouldnt have hit it there"

-After watching him lip out a 3rd putt in a row
"If it was raining P#^%&, I would get hit in the head with a D#%$

-After I hit two in the water and proceeded to drop another ball
"Son, get in the cart...this is a smoke and drink hole"

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#2 2bGood

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Posted 15 May 2017 - 04:10 PM

Can't think of too many, but I was playing with my 12 year old recently and I been able to pull out a few classics.

I got to use the classic

me: "How much does the flag weigh?"
her: "I don't know?"

you all know the rest.....

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#3 CCTxGolf

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Posted 15 May 2017 - 06:06 PM

When I played with my dad and I had the cart and he was up near a green he would always ask me to "grab his poison" or "meet him on the green with his poison" referring to his putter. Now that I'm older and he is gone I actually get quite a kick out of it. Sure do miss that crazy old man!!

Edited by CCTxGolf, 15 May 2017 - 06:08 PM.

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#4 TheYipS

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Posted 15 May 2017 - 06:42 PM

Old man telling me he was very proud of me after a nice 5 iron on the 3rd hole (sarcastically), telling me he would gO out in his bare feet in the snow to watch that drive and calling me a ****ing coward for leaving a putt short in the jaws 😂.
Another old lad who was a long drive champion of UK 35 or 40 years ago (75 now still hits well past 250.)
He would ask "what club you hit there" reply "7"
him "hah I used to get there with a 9".
Did it for the 4th or 5th time on the 10th a long uphill par 3 "4iron" I replied,
"I used to get there with a 6"
"Well you're hitting your ****ing rescue to it now aren't you Jimmy" he seemed to enjoy that and was great craic from then.....
On 11 a long dogleg left par 4 with danger everywhere
Jimmy "see where you're standing there?"
Me "yeah"
Jimmy "this is where the green used to be but they moved it back in 1982 do you know why"
Me "enlighten me Jimmy"
Jimmy " cause I used to knock it on every ****ing week"
The guy was mental but the round was just hilarious. Here's an article on him
https://issuu.com/ir...stownhistory/77
Another guy who was very elderly just wandered off on one tee up to a massive dune that was basically the tallest most obvious place on the links pulled his lad out and took a leak that lasted about 90 seconds my mate and I were in stiches

Edited by TheYipS, 15 May 2017 - 06:55 PM.


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#5 Night train

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Posted 15 May 2017 - 08:36 PM

Greatest line I ever heard as a tee shot was blocked WAY right over the fence and into the timber.......


"Lassie couldn't find that SOB if it had bacon wrapped around it"


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#6 MtlJeff

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Posted 16 May 2017 - 08:50 AM

"the ball goes too far and needs to be dialed back"
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#7 Dpavs

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Posted 16 May 2017 - 09:00 AM

Whenever someone says "That's the worst shot I have ever hit"... the reply comes ... "Be patient, you haven't finished playing yet."

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#8 GolfNuts4

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Posted 16 May 2017 - 09:56 AM

After a terrible putt, I got..."Other than distance and direction, that was a good putt"
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#9 Bomber_11

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Posted 16 May 2017 - 10:11 AM

"Hey pretty thing.... I'll take two Miller Lites, a bag of raisins, and a shot of your bath water"
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#10 2putttom

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Posted 16 May 2017 - 10:48 AM

ya got more sticks in that bag than Raquel Welch

W I T B
The Same Damn Clubs I had Last Year.
However the bag and balls are different

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#11 Joe V.

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Posted 16 May 2017 - 10:53 AM

 Night train, on 15 May 2017 - 08:36 PM, said:

Greatest line I ever heard as a tee shot was blocked WAY right over the fence and into the timber.......


"Lassie couldn't find that SOB if it had bacon wrapped around it"

I had a caddie in Ireland use that one on me, when the other caddies in our group went to look for the ball I dead topped off the tee into knee high fescue.

My father in law has some gems (he's 75), but my favorite is when you say " ugh, that was an awful shot" he'll reply "no one's arguing with you!"
He also uses "right of Reagan and Left of Lenin" on errant tee shots.

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#12 Ferguson

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Posted 16 May 2017 - 10:54 AM

Standing on tee awaiting fairway to clear.   Old guy bumps you in the arm, you see him pointing to his leg - does that look infected to you?

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#13 disco111

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Posted 16 May 2017 - 10:55 AM

When out driving playing partners, it was called a "Linda Ronstadt" ------(Blue Bayou)

When a shot was hit fat - "Hey that's good practice if you want to be a farmer".....

When a drive by playing partner was hit great, but guy says, didn't really get all of that, bad shot--------He says, "I should practice more so I can hit it that bad".....

8 foot birdie putt comes up just short----------Hey!. great lag putt (sarcasm at it's finest).

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#14 Ferguson

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Posted 16 May 2017 - 11:05 AM

"While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake."

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#15 mr_oldredtop

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Posted 16 May 2017 - 01:07 PM

"do you breathe in or breathe out when you swing?"

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#16 Ferguson

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Posted 16 May 2017 - 01:15 PM

I have 2-handicaps:  My wife and a full bladder.

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#17 Fiddy3

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Posted 16 May 2017 - 05:35 PM

These are amazing! Couple of my fav's

Hit a low runner... "that'll run like a 4 year old in Walmart"
Putts coming up just short... "4 more inches I'd be a king, 4 less I'd be a queen"
Chipping woes... "I have the touch of a burn victim..."
Skyed driver shot... "that went 300 yards!! 100 up, 100 down, 100 out"

I have more I can't remember currently...




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#18 2putttom

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Posted 16 May 2017 - 07:25 PM

 Bomber_11, on 16 May 2017 - 10:11 AM, said:

"Hey pretty thing.... I'll take two Miller Lites, a bag of raisins, and a shot of your bath water"
:dntknw: ... :WTF:
W I T B
The Same Damn Clubs I had Last Year.
However the bag and balls are different

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#19 Caddykev

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Posted 16 May 2017 - 08:03 PM

My fave is after someone hits a bad shot that rolls onto to the green hearing, "they call that a sister in law...you're up there but you know you shouldn't be!"  This one older guy I caddy for uses that one all the time.

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#20 Cwing

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Posted 16 May 2017 - 08:19 PM

That dog will hunt after a good drive. Inch your way up there after a few topped or thin shots.

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#21 augustgolf

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Posted 16 May 2017 - 08:38 PM

"Is that any good?"


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or is it 1514...
I don't remember exactly

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#22 Medic

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Posted 16 May 2017 - 09:11 PM

That was a peach hun!

Golly I'm hot today.

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#23 asommers

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Posted 16 May 2017 - 10:34 PM

When lipping out several putts..."you've got liprosy"

When chipping it to within tap in range..."you're missing those now?!"

When putt goes around the cup and drops..."that's an all around good putt"

Hitting a straight drive.."that's straighter than a moose's d**k during mating season"

Two way miss off the tee..."looks like your playing army golf... left, right, left, right..."


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#24 jslane57

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Posted 17 May 2017 - 09:38 AM

The things I loved about the old timers were their ways of helping and swing thoughts. "On the way down, get those hands in your pocket." "Keep those feet on the ground, are we dancing or golfing?" "Norman can't putt, why are you copying him?"

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#25 TTKPGA

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Posted 17 May 2017 - 09:45 AM

Not my grandpa, but I am getting close to grandpa age so here are some of my favorites:

Pulled shot - "That was a Thurmon" - Dead Yank
Healed shot - "That was an Oral Roberts" - Healer
"Swing hard just in case you hit it"


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#26 asloper6001

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Posted 17 May 2017 - 09:52 AM

After I 3 putt on a hole..

Old Man says : You know what 3 putting and masturbating have in common?
Me : NO.
Old Man : You always feel guilty after doing it, but you know your going to do it again.

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#27 cwglum

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Posted 17 May 2017 - 09:53 AM

'Wedding Night Stiff' - - after hitting approach shot to kick in length

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#28 big_z

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Posted 17 May 2017 - 03:21 PM

My grandpa is 97.  When I was a kid he would take me to the course he played at and let me putt on the practice green.  One of my favorite sayings of his, and it's not just limited to golf, is when it rains: "Well, a little shower wouldn't hurt anything."


I've only played seriously for about 18 months, and back in February or so I was at the home with him and my grandma.  He asked me how my golf game was going, and I told him I hadn't broken 100 yet (I did by April).  "I thought you'd be better than that by now."

Edited by big_z, 17 May 2017 - 03:21 PM.

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#29 JonnyKrasnodar

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Posted 17 May 2017 - 05:37 PM

"You're driving like a soldier...left right left right"

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#30 Moleman

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Posted 17 May 2017 - 06:23 PM

Any low topped drive that doesn't get any more than one foot off the ground but still gets out a good distance is a Sally Gunnell. 'Doesn't look like much but it'll run'

(Sally Gunnell was a not particularly good looking British middle distance runner)


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