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Could Use A Laugh....


143 replies to this topic

#61 WJLIII

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Posted 14 February 2017 - 12:05 PM

When playing golf today, I hit two good balls.
I stepped on a rake.
Henny Youngman


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#62 cardoustie

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Posted 14 February 2017 - 12:20 PM

True Story

When my youngest daughter was about 3 we're at the club for dinner and she has to go #2 immediately

Take her into the men's room and she's in the middle stall, outside 2 stalls are full

After some time, I hear the plop and then this little voice "Dada, dere's corn down dere."  The two guys in the outside stalls burst out laughing
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#63 No Catchy Nickname

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Posted 14 February 2017 - 12:32 PM

 augustgolf, on 14 February 2017 - 11:09 AM, said:

One night a man walks into a bar looking sad. The bartender asks the man what he wants.
The man says “Oh just a beer”. The bartender asked the man “Whats wrong,why are you so down today?”.
The man said “My wife and i got into a fight,and she said she wouldn’t talk to me for a month”.
The bartender said “So whats wrong with that”?
The man said “Well the month is up tonight”.


Young guy walks into a bar, sits down and promptly order a double of whisky.
As soon as the barman puts it down, he downs it and orders another.
Again, as soon as the barman puts it down, the guy downs it and orders another.
This goes on until the guy is on his seventh double.
The barman says, "hey, what's the need for the shots?"
The young guy says "Had my first bj today."
Barman says, "Hey, congratulations, the next one's on me."
Young guy says, "I've had seven already. You think another one is going to get rid of the taste?"

Edited by No Catchy Nickname, 14 February 2017 - 12:32 PM.

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#64 No Catchy Nickname

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Posted 14 February 2017 - 12:43 PM

Bloke walks into a nice bar on the top storey of a fancy high-rise hotel. He sits down and has a few, then he notices the guy next to him is chugging these really fancy cocktails.
"Hey, what's that you're drinking?" He asks.
The other guy says "it's called a Wings. Makes you feel as light as air."
"No kidding? I'll try one" says the bloke. So he does and knocks one back.
"I don't feel any different" he says.
The other guy looks at him funnily and says, "Well I feel light as air; watch this!"
And he promptly stands up and jumps out of the window of this top-story bar.
The bloke's gobsmacked. As he's standing there looking out of the window, he feels a tap on his shoulder.
He turns around, and sees the bloke who just jumped out of the window standing there.
"See? I told you you'd feel as light as air," he says.
"Wow!" says the bloke. "How did you do that? You must be having me on."
"No, says the guy, I'll do it again."
And he orders another Wing, then hurls himself out of the window only to walk into the bar through the door a few minutes later.
The bloke's really convinced now, so he orders himself a Wing to try it out himself.
When it arrives, he downs it in one, then promptly rushes to the window and hurls himself out.
After 7 or 8 seconds, there's an ominous "splat" and the sound of screaming down below.

The barman turns to the other guy and says, "You know, you're a real a****** when you're drunk, Superman."
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#65 sprcoop

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Posted 14 February 2017 - 03:43 PM

Do you know why Smokey the Bear doesn't have any children?

Every time his wife gets hot he beats her with a shovel.


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#66 snoilr1

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Posted 14 February 2017 - 05:00 PM

A Minister, a doctor, a lawyer and an engineer are in the same foursome. They're behind the slowest twosome anyone has ever seen, and getting angry.

The pro comes out to apologize for the pace, and to explain that the two guys are firefighters who were both blinded while saving kids from a burning school. Both were really good golfers before the accident, and the course has rewarded them by giving them life memberships.

The minister says "I'm going to say extra prayers for those two brave fellows at every service for the next month". The doctor says "I'm going to see if anyone at the hospital could help them regain their sight". The lawyer says "I'm going to offer my free services to review thier situation, and make sure they get every benefit they're entitled to ". The engineer says "Can't they play at night?"

Edited by snoilr1, 14 February 2017 - 05:01 PM.

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#67 justwellsy

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Posted 14 February 2017 - 05:59 PM

Here are a few short ones...



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Posted Image

Posted Image

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#68 Ferguson

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Posted 15 February 2017 - 05:47 AM

Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom?


The "p" is silent.

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#69 3sip

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Posted 15 February 2017 - 08:22 AM

a lady goes to see her doctor, "I don't know what is wrong with me" she says "everything I touch hurts. I touch my head, it hurts, I touch my leg, it hurts, I touch my arm it hurts"
doctor asked "your a natural blond" she replies "yes how did you know?"
"your finger is broken"

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#70 sprcoop

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Posted 15 February 2017 - 10:52 AM

Man goes to the doctor because he is over weight.  He complains to the doctor, "I'm so fat I can't even see my p****".  Doctor says, "Well sir, you're going to have to diet".  Patient exclaims, "Diet!  What color is it now?!?!"

Edited by sprcoop, 15 February 2017 - 01:53 PM.


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#71 bestrnd35

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Posted 15 February 2017 - 11:34 AM

I want this to be the first joke that my granddaughters tell in school.  Clean, non-offensive.

"When is a door not a door? When it's ajar."

The again, they maybe not?
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#72 adam667220

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Posted 15 February 2017 - 11:48 AM

 bestrnd35, on 15 February 2017 - 11:34 AM, said:

I want this to be the first joke that my granddaughters tell in school.  Clean, non-offensive.

"When is a door not a door? When it's ajar."

The again, they maybe not?

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#73 Dicka

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Posted 15 February 2017 - 03:50 PM

My dwarf girlfriend went to work this morning upset with me, because I've been taking the pi5s out of her size. So I'm going all out to make it up to her tonight.

I've got a good bottle of wine in and bought her the latest dvd box set of her favourite programme. When she gets in from work I'm going to order her favourite takeaway for her dinner, then go upstairs and run her a nice hot sink.

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#74 aceofclubs

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Posted 15 February 2017 - 06:42 PM

Woman wants to learn golf so she can play with her husband. She goes to a local pro. He starts with fundamentals, stance, alignment, posture and grip. He says "hold the club how you would hold your husbands 'manhood' and take a swing"

She knocks it 220 right down the middle.

Pro says "wow thats great, now take the club out of your mouth and try it again"

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#75 gtcmap1

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Posted 15 February 2017 - 07:45 PM

What's better than roses on your piano?

Tulips on your organ!


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#76 Frank A.

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Posted 15 February 2017 - 10:38 PM

A somewhat famous elderly wealthy man is on his death bed and is being interviewed by a local news reporter.  The new reporter asks the dying man how he spent the wealth he accumulated.  The dying man answers: other than the gambling, drinking and gofling, I wasted it.

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#77 gretch

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Posted 15 February 2017 - 11:46 PM

 3sip, on 15 February 2017 - 08:22 AM, said:

a lady goes to see her doctor, "I don't know what is wrong with me" she says "everything I touch hurts. I touch my head, it hurts, I touch my leg, it hurts, I touch my arm it hurts"
doctor asked "your a natural blond" she replies "yes how did you know?"
"your finger is broken"

reminds me of the one where the guy and his wife go to the doctor because she doesn't smell so fresh down there, but she thinks it is fine.  

Doctor performs his exam, and reports, "I have found the problem.  Your nose is broken"

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#78 sprcoop

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Posted 16 February 2017 - 01:52 PM

Two guys die at the same time.  They arrive at the pearly gates to find only one spot available.  To break the tie St. Peter puts them in separate rooms and tells them they have one hour to write a poem using the term "Timbuktu" and the best poem wins.  The one guy had a Masters in literature and ripped out 8 verses of a beautiful poem about sailing the seven seas to the wonderful land of Timbuktu.  The other didn't finish high school and had a hard time but submitted his offering any way.

Tim and I a strolling we went
Spied three maidens in a tent
Them being three and us being two
Well, I bucked one and Tim bucked two

Winner Winner Chicken Dinner!!!

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#79 MKappas

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Posted 16 February 2017 - 03:36 PM

Phil and Michelle are about to get married.  Phil says to Michelle, "before we get married, I have a confession.  I love golf.  I play 5 times a week and nothing, even you, will change that.  I hope you can understand."

Michelle turns to Phil and says, "That's fine with me honey, but I have a confession as well.  I just want you to know before we get married that I am a hooker."

Phil turns to Michelle and says, "That's no problem - just open your stance a little bit."
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#80 sprcoop

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Posted 16 February 2017 - 06:51 PM

Do you know what the similarity is between a tornado and a divorce in (insert name of town you want to degrade)?

One way or another somebody's gonna lose a trailer.

Apologies to mobile home owners.  My first home "purchase" was a mobile home, but it's still funny.


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#81 WJLIII

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Posted 17 February 2017 - 08:05 AM

Tom Kite backs off the shot.  I think he may have felt some wind from his rear.
- Dave Marr, announcing at the Masters

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#82 gsea33

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Posted 17 February 2017 - 01:33 PM

What does sex and a snowstorm have in common? Never know how many inches and when it's going to come.

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#83 Argonne69

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Posted 23 February 2017 - 11:58 AM

I'm not fat. I'm just.....easier to see. Safety 1st!

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#84 angler99

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Posted 23 February 2017 - 12:44 PM

How did the golfer break his arm?

He fell off the ball washer.

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#85 North Texas

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Posted 23 February 2017 - 01:52 PM

 angler99, on 23 February 2017 - 12:44 PM, said:

How did the golfer break his arm?

He fell off the ball washer.

That joke is better when you're from Texas and it's an aggie joke.


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#86 angler99

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Posted 23 February 2017 - 03:50 PM

 North Texas, on 23 February 2017 - 01:52 PM, said:

 angler99, on 23 February 2017 - 12:44 PM, said:

How did the golfer break his arm?

He fell off the ball washer.

That joke is better when you're from Texas and it's an aggie joke.
That's funny because I grew up in Texas and left when I was 23. I also went to grad school at A&M.

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#87 Loki

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Posted 23 February 2017 - 10:53 PM

Two Irish guys walk out of a bar...

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#88 straight crooked

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Posted 23 February 2017 - 11:15 PM

A Lion and a Cheetah race

The Cheetah wins.

The Lion says, "Hey, you Cheetah"

The Cheetah says, "Hey, you Lion"
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#89 thug the bunny

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Posted 23 February 2017 - 11:28 PM

Two flies land on a piece of sh!t. One fly lifts his leg and lets a juicy f@rt rip. The other fly says 'Hey! I'm trying to eat here!'.
So there is really only here and now

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#90 DavePelz4

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Posted 24 February 2017 - 09:20 AM

Why did the little girl wash Thug the Bunny?  Because her hare was dirty.


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