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Could Use A Laugh....


143 replies to this topic

#31 Medic

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Posted 12 February 2017 - 05:18 PM

 BrianL99, on 12 February 2017 - 04:26 PM, said:

So 3 midgets are sitting at a bar.

The bartending gets the mail and in the mail, is the newest edition of the Guiness Book of Records.

One of the midgets says, "Hey!  Give me that book.  I'm listing in there.  I want to show my friends.  I have the world's "smallest feet"!   He flips through the pages and shows his friends the listing and sure enough, he's got the "World's Smallest Feet".

The midget next to him says ... "give me that book"!   "I have the World's Smallest Hands", I'll show you!"  Sure enough, he flips through the book and finds the listing and sure enough, he's got the "World's Smallest Hands".

The 3rd midget says .... "Give me that book!  I'll show you.   I have the World's Smallest Manhood!!"

He starts flipping through the pages and finally finds it ... he runs his finger down the page to show his friends ... all of a sudden he blurts out ... "who the HECK is this guy "Medic" ??????



(Sorry Jim, I had to pick someone I know, so I didn't get in trouble.  If I had my druthers, there are plenty of other names I would have used  :)

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#32 rymail00

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Posted 12 February 2017 - 05:36 PM

What's up Medic! Hope this one helps!! I definitely thought it was funny. These guys do a bunch golf comedy vids.

Give it a quick watch.

https://youtu.be/qUj_qqVxVrE

Edited by rymail00, 12 February 2017 - 05:36 PM.

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#33 deetsal

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Posted 12 February 2017 - 06:01 PM

 BrianL99, on 12 February 2017 - 02:03 PM, said:

 deetsal, on 12 February 2017 - 10:22 AM, said:

  The preacher is indigent,  " I am shocked, he trusted us as men of God, I for one have a conscience, I put in a check for the full amount ".

Indigent, huh?
Yea, my spalling has always sucded.

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#34 dciccoritti

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Posted 12 February 2017 - 09:12 PM


Wife's Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, "nothing." I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.

My life is a disaster.


Husband's Diary, same day:

A two-foot putt.. Who the hell misses a two-foot putt?

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#35 dciccoritti

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Posted 12 February 2017 - 09:19 PM


A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair.

She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.


'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior.

'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'


'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother.

You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'


'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'


'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!'


'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. Tell me all about it!'


'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother Superior a 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dog leg left and a hidden green....and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made.


And its flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted and it hits a bird in mid-flight!'


'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate!

But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'


'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off.


'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother.


'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself! While I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'


'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.


'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished,'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, he dropped the squirrel right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'


Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said “You missed the f****** putt, didn't you?”

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#36 Dicka

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Posted 13 February 2017 - 12:04 AM

Guy laying on his death bed with his wife at his side...he whispers for her to come closer.

"Dear, I love you with all my heart. When I'm gone, I want you to find love again and be happy. And I want you to give my golf clubs to your next husband".

She replies "Thank you dear, very sweet of you. But he's left handed".

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#37 rymail00

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Posted 13 February 2017 - 02:55 AM

Lol, there some definite great posts in this thread.

Thanks for the laughs.
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#38 DavePelz4

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Posted 13 February 2017 - 11:08 AM

After finishing his sermon for the day, the Preacher proceeded toward the back of the church for his usual greetings and handshaking as the congregation left the church. After shaking a few adult hands he came upon the seven year old son of one of the Deacons of the church.

"Good morning, Jonathan," the preacher said as he reached out to shake Jonathan's hand.

As he was doing do he felt something in the palm of Jonathan's hand. "What's this?" the preacher asked.

"Money," said Jonathan with a big smile on his face, "It's for you!"

"I don't want to take your money, Jonathan," the preacher answered.

"I want you to have it," said Jonathan. After a short pause Jonathan continued, "My daddy says you're the poorest preacher we ever had and I want to help you."

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#39 VivaTerlingua

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Posted 13 February 2017 - 11:25 AM

Did you hear about the agnostic, dyslexic insomniac?



He'd stay up all night wondering if there was a dog.

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#40 disco111

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Posted 13 February 2017 - 11:54 AM

Husband and wife, both good golfers, out at a new course. Come to the 5th hole, 360 yd dog leg right. Husband on the tee taking longer than usual and the wife says, your thinking about cutting the dog leg and driving the green aren't you?......He says, well i am hitting it great today and I'm 2 under to here, so yeah, lets give it a go. Needles to say he blocks it right and they find his ball in the adjacent field, about 3 feet from a wall of an old farm house. Well this sucks, he says and the wife states......well there's nothing on the card that says anything about an OB and there's no OB stakes, so I say your still in play...........Husband says, I'm too close to th wall and won't get it up and over. She says, there's a door right here, I'll hold it open and you pitch it through, your only 40 yds away. She holds the door open and he takes a swing, hits a shank and it hits her in the head and kills her........Two years go by and he's out playing that course with his buddies. Same hole, same shot behind the wall, buddies say to bad take an unplayable and drop. One of the guys says, no wait, Here's a door, I'll hold it open and you can pitch it through......He looks at him and says, are your crazy, last time I did that I double bogied the hole....... :tongue:


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#41 justwellsy

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Posted 13 February 2017 - 12:12 PM

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#42 augustgolf

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Posted 13 February 2017 - 01:06 PM

Attached File  preposition me2.jpg   222.99K   62 downloads
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#43 umassgolfer

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Posted 13 February 2017 - 01:24 PM

 disco111, on 10 February 2017 - 11:59 AM, said:

3 guys on the 1st tee and starter asks to put a lady with them, says she's a good player and she's good looking.......Guy's say Ok and during the course of the round, she holds her own. Now on the 18th green and looking at a 10 foot putt, she turns and says "you guys have been so nice to me today, so if one of you can help me make this putt, I'll have sex with you".......First guy jumps down to the ground and says, looks like it will break left, second guy says nah!, slight right at the hole.....third guy steps behind the ball, looks down and says, "that's good, pick it up" :pimp:

That was my grandfather's favorite joke... Of course in his version Guy 1 was the grandson, guy 2 was the dad and...you guessed it...the grandfather gave the putt to the gal

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#44 Ferguson

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Posted 13 February 2017 - 01:41 PM

Horse walks in to a bar and sits down - bartender walks over and says, "hey, what's with the long face?"

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#45 bangabain

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Posted 13 February 2017 - 05:23 PM

Girl runs into the Pro Shop and yells to the Pro "HELP, HELP! I've been stung by a bee!"

So the Pro asks, "Where did you get stung?" to which she replies "Between the first and second hole!"

The pro is silent for a moment, pondering...then says matter-of-factly "Well, I think your stance is too wide!"


*cue audience groans, exit stage right*

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#46 No Catchy Nickname

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Posted 13 February 2017 - 11:38 PM

 Ferguson, on 13 February 2017 - 01:41 PM, said:

Horse walks in to a bar and sits down - bartender walks over and says, "hey, what's with the long face?"

Follow-up to that one:

Bear walks into a bar and says the barman, "I'd like a pint of bitter, a gin and tonic, and errrrrrrrrrr.............................


............a shot of whisky."

The barman goes, "sure, but tell me, why the big pause?"
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#47 Ferguson

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Posted 14 February 2017 - 06:19 AM

Here we go,

A duck walks into a bar, orders a drink, and says to the bartender, “Put it on my bill.”

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#48 dciccoritti

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Posted 14 February 2017 - 06:28 AM

 No Catchy Nickname, on 13 February 2017 - 11:38 PM, said:

 Ferguson, on 13 February 2017 - 01:41 PM, said:

Horse walks in to a bar and sits down - bartender walks over and says, "hey, what's with the long face?"

Follow-up to that one:

Bear walks into a bar and says the barman, "I'd like a pint of bitter, a gin and tonic, and errrrrrrrrrr.............................


............a shot of whisky."

The barman goes, "sure, but tell me, why the big pause?"

A skeleton walks into a bar. Sits down and says to the bartender "Give me a beer......and a mop".
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#49 Neverfadeaway86

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Posted 14 February 2017 - 07:52 AM

joke my grandpa told me as a young boy.

I bet you if we go outside I can jump higher than this house ! so we go outside take a look and I say no way that house is atleast 20 ft tall and no way you can jump that high, Grandpa says I will prove to you I can jump higher than this house. So grandpa moves a few feet away in the driveway and unleashes a jump that only gets a few inches off the ground. I say TOLD you so, you cant jump higher than this house, that is when Grandpa says of Course I did because a house cant jump
Au revoir, gopher !

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#50 adam667220

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Posted 14 February 2017 - 08:45 AM

Saw this a few years back at a rural course.

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#51 Ferguson

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Posted 14 February 2017 - 10:30 AM

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel coming out of the fly of his pants. The bartender takes a look at him, a look at the steering wheel, and says "Hey buddy, you know you have a steering wheel in your pants?"    The pirate response, "Arrr, it's driving me nuts!"

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#52 Ferguson

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Posted 14 February 2017 - 10:57 AM

A pile of trash walks into a bar at the country club. Bartender says, “Hey, didn’t I throw you out yesterday?”

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#53 snoilr1

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Posted 14 February 2017 - 10:58 AM

 dciccoritti, on 14 February 2017 - 06:28 AM, said:

 No Catchy Nickname, on 13 February 2017 - 11:38 PM, said:

 Ferguson, on 13 February 2017 - 01:41 PM, said:

Horse walks in to a bar and sits down - bartender walks over and says, "hey, what's with the long face?"

Follow-up to that one:

Bear walks into a bar and says the barman, "I'd like a pint of bitter, a gin and tonic, and errrrrrrrrrr.............................


............a shot of whisky."

The barman goes, "sure, but tell me, why the big pause?"

A skeleton walks into a bar. Sits down and says to the bartender "Give me a beer......and a mop".

A man walks into a bar. He says, "ouch!"

Edited by snoilr1, 14 February 2017 - 10:59 AM.

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#54 augustgolf

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Posted 14 February 2017 - 11:09 AM

One night a man walks into a bar looking sad. The bartender asks the man what he wants.
The man says “Oh just a beer”. The bartender asked the man “Whats wrong,why are you so down today?”.
The man said “My wife and i got into a fight,and she said she wouldn’t talk to me for a month”.
The bartender said “So whats wrong with that”?
The man said “Well the month is up tonight”.

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#55 augustgolf

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Posted 14 February 2017 - 11:12 AM

A blind man enters a bar and find his way to a barstool.
After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”
The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet.
In a husky, deep voice,the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I’m a 6′ tall, 200 pound blonde with a black belt in karate.
What’s more, the fella sitting next to me is blonde and he’s a weightlifter. The woman to your right is a blonde, and she’s a pro wrestler.
Think about it seriously, mister. You still wanna tell that blonde joke?”
The blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”

(rim shot)

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#56 augustgolf

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Posted 14 February 2017 - 11:14 AM

There was this man who walked into a bar and says to the bartender 10 shots of whiskey.
The bartender asks, "What's the matter?" The man says, "I found out my brother is gay and marrying my best friend."
The next day the same man comes in and orders 12 shots of whiskey.
The bartenders asks, "What's wrong this time?" The man says, "I found out that my son is gay."
The next day the same man comes in the bar and orders 15 shots of whiskey.
Then the bartender asks, "Doesn't anyone in your family like women?"
The man looks up and says, "Apparently, my wife does."
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I don't remember exactly

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#57 3sip

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Posted 14 February 2017 - 11:14 AM

a bear walks into a bar and orders a beer bartender says"we don't serve bears beer in this bar" the bear says "if you don't serve me a beer I will maul and eat that lady at the end of the bar!"
"I'm sorry but we don't serve bears beer in this bar"
so the bear runs down to the end of the bar and attacks the lady rips her arms and legs off blood flying every where and proceeds to eat her entire body. when he finished he walks back to the bartender and orders a beer.
bartender says, "sorry we don't serve drug addict bears beer in this bar"
the bear stands up and says "what do you mean drug addict? I'm no drug addict!"
bartender says " what about that bar-b*tch-u-ate?"

Edited by 3sip, 14 February 2017 - 11:16 AM.


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#58 cardoustie

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Posted 14 February 2017 - 11:24 AM

Guy is on a golf holiday on his own.   Let's say the Poconos.  Trying to find his mojo as his wife has divorced him and left him lonely and contemplative.  He has 7 days of golf, drinking and relaxation planned.  He's near scratch and rarely loses.  He's even on golfwrx.

On day 1 a stunning woman asks to join him on the first tee and they get along fabulously all week.   Every golf round is a tight battle with the woman winning by one or 2 shots over the closing three holes  

She's a great golfer, fun to be around and a vixen in the sack.  Our man is deeply in love and so happy to have found someone that also loves the game

By day 7 he has thinking this is the one, and she senses what is happening and decides to let her new lover in on her little secret.  

"I used to be a man" she sadly babbles as the sun is setting on the last few closing holes.  The man is taken aback and is red with fury and blurts out "you rotten little tart .. and all this week you've been playing off the red tees!!!!!!"
TMade '16 M2 Driver 11.25* Fuji TS 6.2x
TMade '17 M1 3HL 16.5* Fuji TS 8.2s
Callaway 5 deep 18.5* GD AD MT
Ping G25 4h 23* Kuro Kage 80
Callaway Apex 5h 25* Kuro Kage 80
PIng s55 6-PW Nippon 1150x
Ping Glide 53* SS & 59* ES s400 onyx
Ping Tour W 64* s400
Scotty X7M

28

#59 Argonne69

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Posted 14 February 2017 - 11:30 AM

True story. I walk into the men's room at work a few weeks back to take a leak. I'm standing at the urinal, and there's a guy in one of the toilet stalls having a very rough go at it. I mean he's really straining. I can picture sweat running down his forehead. After 10 to 15 seconds he lets out an enormous fart, pffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffftttttttttttttttttttttttt. The sound echos out of the toilet bowl like a bullhorn, and the sound fills the bathroom. Then...silence.

Two or three seconds pass, and then I hear Siri's voice, "I'm sorry, but I didn't get that."

I had to bite my tongue to not bust out laughing. Of course, it would have been funnier with other responses, such as "The nearest Chipotle is at 300 S. Franklin St".

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#60 dciccoritti

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Posted 14 February 2017 - 11:44 AM

 Argonne69, on 14 February 2017 - 11:30 AM, said:

True story. I walk into the men's room at work a few weeks back to take a leak. I'm standing at the urinal, and there's a guy in one of the toilet stalls having a very rough go at it. I mean he's really straining. I can picture sweat running down his forehead. After 10 to 15 seconds he lets out an enormous fart, pffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffftttttttttttttttttttttttt. The sound echos out of the toilet bowl like a bullhorn, and the sound fills the bathroom. Then...silence.

Two or three seconds pass, and then I hear Siri's voice, "I'm sorry, but I didn't get that."

I had to bite my tongue to not bust out laughing. Of course, it would have been funnier with other responses, such as "The nearest Chipotle is at 300 S. Franklin St".

Ok that was hysterical :-D

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