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Could Use A Laugh....


279 replies to this topic

#271 Argonne69

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Posted 26 April 2018 - 01:46 PM

A toast to the bride and groom:

"I wish you the kind of joy kids experience when the ketchup makes a fart sound".


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#272 Argonne69

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Posted 26 April 2018 - 02:03 PM

One of the best used cars ads ever:

You want a car that gets the job done? You want a car that’s hassle free? You want a car that literally no one will ever compliment you on? Well look no further.


The 1999 Toyota Corolla.


Posted Image


Let’s talk about features.


Bluetooth: nope


Sunroof: nope


Fancy wheels: nope


Rear view camera: nope…but it’s got a transparent rear window and you have a f*cking neck that can turn.


Posted Image


Let me tell you a story. One day my Corolla started making a strange sound. I didn’t give a sh*t and ignored it. It went away. The End.  


You could take the engine out of this car, drop it off the Golden Gate Bridge, fish it out of the water a thousand years later, put it in the trunk of the car, fill the gas tank up with Nutella, turn the key, and this puppy would f*cking start right up.  


This car will outlive you, it will outlive your children.


Things this car is old enough to do:


Vote: yes


Consent to sex: yes


Rent a car: it IS a car


Posted Image


This car’s got history. It’s seen some sh*t. People have done straight things in this car. People have done gay things in this car. It’s not going to judge you like a f*cking Volkswagen would.  


Interesting facts: This car’s exterior color is gray, but it’s interior color is grey. In the owner’s manual, oil is listed as “optional.” When this car was unveiled at the 1998 Detroit Auto Show, it caused all 2,000 attendees to spontaneously yawn. The resulting abrupt change in air pressure inside the building caused a partial collapse of the roof. Four people died. The event is chronicled in the documentary “Bored to Death: The Story of the 1999 Toyota Corolla”


You wanna know more? Great, I had my car fill out a Facebook survey.


Favorite food: spaghetti


Favorite tv show: Alf


Favorite band: tie between Bush and the Gin Blossoms


Posted Image


This car is as practical as a Roth IRA. It’s as middle-of-the-road as your grandpa during his last Silver Alert. It’s as utilitarian as a member of a church whose scripture is based entirely on water bills.


When I ran the CarFax for this car, I got back a single piece of paper that said, “It’s a Corolla. It’s fine.”


Let’s face the facts, this car isn’t going to win any beauty contests, but neither are you. Stop lying to yourself and stop lying to your wife. This isn’t the car you want, it’s the car you deserve: The f*cking 1999 Toyota Corolla.



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#273 thug the bunny

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Posted 26 April 2018 - 08:52 PM

View PostArgonne69, on 26 April 2018 - 02:03 PM, said:

One of the best used cars ads ever:

You want a car that gets the job done? You want a car that’s hassle free? You want a car that literally no one will ever compliment you on? Well look no further.

The 1999 Toyota Corolla.

Posted Image

Let’s talk about features.

Bluetooth: nope

Sunroof: nope

Fancy wheels: nope

Rear view camera: nope…but it’s got a transparent rear window and you have a f*cking neck that can turn.

Posted Image

Let me tell you a story. One day my Corolla started making a strange sound. I didn’t give a sh*t and ignored it. It went away. The End.  

You could take the engine out of this car, drop it off the Golden Gate Bridge, fish it out of the water a thousand years later, put it in the trunk of the car, fill the gas tank up with Nutella, turn the key, and this puppy would f*cking start right up.  

This car will outlive you, it will outlive your children.

Things this car is old enough to do:

Vote: yes

Consent to sex: yes

Rent a car: it IS a car

Posted Image

This car’s got history. It’s seen some sh*t. People have done straight things in this car. People have done gay things in this car. It’s not going to judge you like a f*cking Volkswagen would.  

Interesting facts: This car’s exterior color is gray, but it’s interior color is grey. In the owner’s manual, oil is listed as “optional.” When this car was unveiled at the 1998 Detroit Auto Show, it caused all 2,000 attendees to spontaneously yawn. The resulting abrupt change in air pressure inside the building caused a partial collapse of the roof. Four people died. The event is chronicled in the documentary “Bored to Death: The Story of the 1999 Toyota Corolla”

You wanna know more? Great, I had my car fill out a Facebook survey.

Favorite food: spaghetti

Favorite tv show: Alf

Favorite band: tie between Bush and the Gin Blossoms

Posted Image

This car is as practical as a Roth IRA. It’s as middle-of-the-road as your grandpa during his last Silver Alert. It’s as utilitarian as a member of a church whose scripture is based entirely on water bills.

When I ran the CarFax for this car, I got back a single piece of paper that said, “It’s a Corolla. It’s fine.”

Let’s face the facts, this car isn’t going to win any beauty contests, but neither are you. Stop lying to yourself and stop lying to your wife. This isn’t the car you want, it’s the car you deserve: The f*cking 1999 Toyota Corolla.


That is F'ing awesome! You must have got it from 'best of craigslist'?
The absolute perfection of existence, life, and aesthetic beauty is the work not only of evolution but of a powerful being.

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#274 Argonne69

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Posted 27 April 2018 - 01:47 PM

Dog 1: I heard a great joke today

Dog 2: What is it?

Dog 1: Knock, kn-

Dog 2: <goes absolutely nuts>


Posted Image

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#275 Argonne69

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Posted 27 April 2018 - 01:52 PM

Posted Image


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#276 Argonne69

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Posted 27 April 2018 - 01:55 PM

Now that's what I call AI:

Posted Image

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#277 Argonne69

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Posted 27 April 2018 - 01:57 PM

Conversation overheard at a party:

Person 1: What else was ruined because too many people started doing it?

Person 2: Having sex with my wife.

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#278 adam667220

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Posted 27 April 2018 - 03:23 PM

We might as well lock this thread because all the good jokes.....argonne.

I'll see myself out. lol
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#279 ShortGame420

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Posted 28 April 2018 - 04:05 PM

Guy is on the 1st tee taking practice swings. right in the middle of a practice swing a voice booms over the loudspeaker from the pro shop. "would the gentleman on the ladies tee please step back and play from the men's tee." He pays no attention and goes back through his routine. Again the voice comes over the loudspeaker "would the gentleman on the ladies tee please step back and play from the men's tee" slightly more agitated this time. He ignores it once again. He is about to hit the ball when the voice comes over the speaker again "Sir, please step back to the men's tee!" Finally the guy turns around and yells "would the a$$hole on the loudspeaker please shut up so I can play my 2nd shot!"

Man and woman are lying in bed. Man says "Honey I love you so much. I want you to know if I die, I want you to get re married and be happy." The woman says she would. The man says "would you let him sleep in our bed?" The woman says "I suppose so...we would be married after all." The man replies "would you let him use my golf clubs?" The woman says, "no. He is left handed."

Edited by ShortGame420, 28 April 2018 - 04:10 PM.

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#280 Argonne69

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Posted 14 May 2018 - 02:16 PM

Don't be ashamed of who you are.

(That's your parent's job)


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