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Could Use A Laugh....


291 replies to this topic

#271 Argonne69

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Posted 26 April 2018 - 01:46 PM

A toast to the bride and groom:

"I wish you the kind of joy kids experience when the ketchup makes a fart sound".


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#272 Argonne69

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Posted 26 April 2018 - 02:03 PM

One of the best used cars ads ever:

You want a car that gets the job done? You want a car that’s hassle free? You want a car that literally no one will ever compliment you on? Well look no further.


The 1999 Toyota Corolla.


Posted Image


Let’s talk about features.


Bluetooth: nope


Sunroof: nope


Fancy wheels: nope


Rear view camera: nope…but it’s got a transparent rear window and you have a f*cking neck that can turn.


Posted Image


Let me tell you a story. One day my Corolla started making a strange sound. I didn’t give a sh*t and ignored it. It went away. The End.  


You could take the engine out of this car, drop it off the Golden Gate Bridge, fish it out of the water a thousand years later, put it in the trunk of the car, fill the gas tank up with Nutella, turn the key, and this puppy would f*cking start right up.  


This car will outlive you, it will outlive your children.


Things this car is old enough to do:


Vote: yes


Consent to sex: yes


Rent a car: it IS a car


Posted Image


This car’s got history. It’s seen some sh*t. People have done straight things in this car. People have done gay things in this car. It’s not going to judge you like a f*cking Volkswagen would.  


Interesting facts: This car’s exterior color is gray, but it’s interior color is grey. In the owner’s manual, oil is listed as “optional.” When this car was unveiled at the 1998 Detroit Auto Show, it caused all 2,000 attendees to spontaneously yawn. The resulting abrupt change in air pressure inside the building caused a partial collapse of the roof. Four people died. The event is chronicled in the documentary “Bored to Death: The Story of the 1999 Toyota Corolla”


You wanna know more? Great, I had my car fill out a Facebook survey.


Favorite food: spaghetti


Favorite tv show: Alf


Favorite band: tie between Bush and the Gin Blossoms


Posted Image


This car is as practical as a Roth IRA. It’s as middle-of-the-road as your grandpa during his last Silver Alert. It’s as utilitarian as a member of a church whose scripture is based entirely on water bills.


When I ran the CarFax for this car, I got back a single piece of paper that said, “It’s a Corolla. It’s fine.”


Let’s face the facts, this car isn’t going to win any beauty contests, but neither are you. Stop lying to yourself and stop lying to your wife. This isn’t the car you want, it’s the car you deserve: The f*cking 1999 Toyota Corolla.



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#273 thug the bunny

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Posted 26 April 2018 - 08:52 PM

View PostArgonne69, on 26 April 2018 - 02:03 PM, said:

One of the best used cars ads ever:

You want a car that gets the job done? You want a car that’s hassle free? You want a car that literally no one will ever compliment you on? Well look no further.

The 1999 Toyota Corolla.

Posted Image

Let’s talk about features.

Bluetooth: nope

Sunroof: nope

Fancy wheels: nope

Rear view camera: nope…but it’s got a transparent rear window and you have a f*cking neck that can turn.

Posted Image

Let me tell you a story. One day my Corolla started making a strange sound. I didn’t give a sh*t and ignored it. It went away. The End.  

You could take the engine out of this car, drop it off the Golden Gate Bridge, fish it out of the water a thousand years later, put it in the trunk of the car, fill the gas tank up with Nutella, turn the key, and this puppy would f*cking start right up.  

This car will outlive you, it will outlive your children.

Things this car is old enough to do:

Vote: yes

Consent to sex: yes

Rent a car: it IS a car

Posted Image

This car’s got history. It’s seen some sh*t. People have done straight things in this car. People have done gay things in this car. It’s not going to judge you like a f*cking Volkswagen would.  

Interesting facts: This car’s exterior color is gray, but it’s interior color is grey. In the owner’s manual, oil is listed as “optional.” When this car was unveiled at the 1998 Detroit Auto Show, it caused all 2,000 attendees to spontaneously yawn. The resulting abrupt change in air pressure inside the building caused a partial collapse of the roof. Four people died. The event is chronicled in the documentary “Bored to Death: The Story of the 1999 Toyota Corolla”

You wanna know more? Great, I had my car fill out a Facebook survey.

Favorite food: spaghetti

Favorite tv show: Alf

Favorite band: tie between Bush and the Gin Blossoms

Posted Image

This car is as practical as a Roth IRA. It’s as middle-of-the-road as your grandpa during his last Silver Alert. It’s as utilitarian as a member of a church whose scripture is based entirely on water bills.

When I ran the CarFax for this car, I got back a single piece of paper that said, “It’s a Corolla. It’s fine.”

Let’s face the facts, this car isn’t going to win any beauty contests, but neither are you. Stop lying to yourself and stop lying to your wife. This isn’t the car you want, it’s the car you deserve: The f*cking 1999 Toyota Corolla.


That is F'ing awesome! You must have got it from 'best of craigslist'?
The absolute perfection of existence, life, and aesthetic beauty is the work not only of evolution but of a powerful being.

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#274 Argonne69

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Posted 27 April 2018 - 01:47 PM

Dog 1: I heard a great joke today

Dog 2: What is it?

Dog 1: Knock, kn-

Dog 2: <goes absolutely nuts>


Posted Image

4

#275 Argonne69

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Posted 27 April 2018 - 01:52 PM

Posted Image


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#276 Argonne69

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Posted 27 April 2018 - 01:55 PM

Now that's what I call AI:

Posted Image

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#277 Argonne69

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Posted 27 April 2018 - 01:57 PM

Conversation overheard at a party:

Person 1: What else was ruined because too many people started doing it?

Person 2: Having sex with my wife.

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#278 adam667220

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Posted 27 April 2018 - 03:23 PM

We might as well lock this thread because all the good jokes.....argonne.

I'll see myself out. lol
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#279 ShortGame420

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Posted 28 April 2018 - 04:05 PM

Guy is on the 1st tee taking practice swings. right in the middle of a practice swing a voice booms over the loudspeaker from the pro shop. "would the gentleman on the ladies tee please step back and play from the men's tee." He pays no attention and goes back through his routine. Again the voice comes over the loudspeaker "would the gentleman on the ladies tee please step back and play from the men's tee" slightly more agitated this time. He ignores it once again. He is about to hit the ball when the voice comes over the speaker again "Sir, please step back to the men's tee!" Finally the guy turns around and yells "would the a$$hole on the loudspeaker please shut up so I can play my 2nd shot!"

Man and woman are lying in bed. Man says "Honey I love you so much. I want you to know if I die, I want you to get re married and be happy." The woman says she would. The man says "would you let him sleep in our bed?" The woman says "I suppose so...we would be married after all." The man replies "would you let him use my golf clubs?" The woman says, "no. He is left handed."

Edited by ShortGame420, 28 April 2018 - 04:10 PM.

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#280 Argonne69

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Posted 14 May 2018 - 02:16 PM

Don't be ashamed of who you are.

(That's your parent's job)


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#281 Argonne69

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Posted 11 June 2018 - 03:30 PM

There are 5 types of fear:
  • Terror
  • Panic
  • Username or password is incorrect
  • "We need to talk"
  • 20 missed calls from Mom


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#282 ramdorsky

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Posted 13 June 2018 - 12:42 PM

How I made my Fortune

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. The old guy fingured his expensive wool vest, leaned back in his chair and said, "Well, son it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickle." "I invested that nickle in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents. The next morning, I invested that ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $9.80." "Then my wife's father died and left us five million dollars."
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#283 ramdorsky

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Posted 13 June 2018 - 12:47 PM

The Secret to a Long Life

A doctor, on his morning walk, noticed an old lady who must have been at least 95 years old. She was sitting on her front step, smoking a cigar, so he walked up to her and said, "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look! What is your secret?"
"I smoke ten cigars a day," she said. "Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food. On weekends, I pop pills, get laid, and I don't exercise at all." "That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?" "Forty," she replied...
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#284 adam667220

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Posted 13 June 2018 - 12:49 PM

View Postramdorsky, on 13 June 2018 - 12:47 PM, said:

The Secret to a Long Life

A doctor, on his morning walk, noticed an old lady who must have been at least 95 years old. She was sitting on her front step, smoking a cigar, so he walked up to her and said, "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look! What is your secret?"
"I smoke ten cigars a day," she said. "Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food. On weekends, I pop pills, get laid, and I don't exercise at all." "That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?" "Forty," she replied...

On the flip side of that.

lame.jpg
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#285 ramdorsky

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Posted 13 June 2018 - 12:50 PM

How to ask for a raise

Employee: Excuse me, sir, may I talk to you?
Boss: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?
Employee: Well, sir, as you know, I have been an employee of
this prestigious firm for over ten years.
Boss: Yes.
Employee: I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a
raise. I currently have four companies after me and so I
decided to talk to you first.
Boss: A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is
just not the right time.
Employee: I understand your position, and I know that the
current economic downturn has had a negative impact on
sales, but you must also take into consideration my hard
work, proactiveness, and loyalty to this company for over a
decade.
Boss: Taking into account these factors, and considering I
don't want to start a brain drain, I'm willing to offer you
a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time.
How does that sound?
Employee: Great! It's a deal! Thank you, sir!
Boss: Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies
were after you?
Employee: Oh, the Electric Company, the Gas Company, the
Water Company, and the Mortgage Company!

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#286 ramdorsky

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Posted 13 June 2018 - 01:00 PM

Thoughtful Husband

The room was full of pregnant women with their partners. The class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurance to
their partners at this stage of the pregnancy. She said "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier; just take several stops and stay on a soft surface like grass or a path." She looked at the men in the room, "and Gentlemen, remember -- You're in this together--It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her". The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information. Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand. "Yes", answered the Instructor. "I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries
a golf bag while we walk?" This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught.
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#287 ramdorsky

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Posted 13 June 2018 - 01:26 PM

Golf Instructions

1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.
2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP.
3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!
4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING.
5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.
6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.
7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU.
8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.
9. QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.
10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.
WELL DONE. - NOW FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE, & TEE OFF
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Mizuno JPX900T.....4-10
Scor.................50* & 54*
Vokey........................60*
SC American Classic III

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#288 Ghost_Orchid

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Posted 13 June 2018 - 09:22 PM

View PostShortGame420, on 28 April 2018 - 04:05 PM, said:

Guy is on the 1st tee taking practice swings. right in the middle of a practice swing a voice booms over the loudspeaker from the pro shop. "would the gentleman on the ladies tee please step back and play from the men's tee." He pays no attention and goes back through his routine. Again the voice comes over the loudspeaker "would the gentleman on the ladies tee please step back and play from the men's tee" slightly more agitated this time. He ignores it once again. He is about to hit the ball when the voice comes over the speaker again "Sir, please step back to the men's tee!" Finally the guy turns around and yells "would the a$$hole on the loudspeaker please shut up so I can play my 2nd shot!"

Man and woman are lying in bed. Man says "Honey I love you so much. I want you to know if I die, I want you to get re married and be happy." The woman says she would. The man says "would you let him sleep in our bed?" The woman says "I suppose so...we would be married after all." The man replies "would you let him use my golf clubs?" The woman says, "no. He is left handed."

https://youtu.be/qUj_qqVxVrE

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#289 ramdorsky

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Posted 29 June 2018 - 03:49 PM

It's not diffcult to make a woman happy. It doesn't take much. A man only needs to be:

1. A friend
2. A companion
3. A lover
4. A brother
5. A father
6. A master
7. A chef
8. An electrician
9. A carpenter
10. A plumber
11. A mechanic
12. A decorator
13. A stylist
14. A sexologist
15. A gynecologist
16. A psychologist
17. A pest exterminator
18. A psychiatrist
20. A healer
21. A good listener
22. An organizer
23. Very clean
24. Sympathetic
25. Athletic
26. Warm
27. Attnetive
28. Gallant
29. Intelligent
30. Funny
31. Creative
32. Tender
33. Strong
34. Understanding
35. Tolerant
36. Prudent
37. Ambitious
38. Capable
39.Courageous
40. Determined
41. True
42. Dependable
43. Passionate
44. Compassionate

Without Forgetting To:

45. Give her compliments regularly
46. Love to go shopping
47. Be honest
48. Be relatively rich
49. Not stress her out
50. Not look at other women

And at the same time, you must also:

51. Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes or who
she is with

But it is also very important to:

54. Never to forget:
a. birthdays
b. anniversaries
c. arrangements she makes
d. her parents

How To Make A Man Happy

1. Leave him alone
Cobra Bio Cell Pro....10*
Taylormade RBZ.......15*
Callaway RAZR(hy)..21*
Mizuno JPX900T.....4-10
Scor.................50* & 54*
Vokey........................60*
SC American Classic III

19

#290 thug the bunny

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Posted 29 June 2018 - 09:33 PM

View Postramdorsky, on 29 June 2018 - 03:49 PM, said:

It's not diffcult to make a woman happy. It doesn't take much. A man only needs to be:

1. A friend
2. A companion
3. A lover
4. A brother
5. A father
6. A master
7. A chef
8. An electrician
9. A carpenter
10. A plumber
11. A mechanic
12. A decorator
13. A stylist
14. A sexologist
15. A gynecologist
16. A psychologist
17. A pest exterminator
18. A psychiatrist
20. A healer
21. A good listener
22. An organizer
23. Very clean
24. Sympathetic
25. Athletic
26. Warm
27. Attnetive
28. Gallant
29. Intelligent
30. Funny
31. Creative
32. Tender
33. Strong
34. Understanding
35. Tolerant
36. Prudent
37. Ambitious
38. Capable
39.Courageous
40. Determined
41. True
42. Dependable
43. Passionate
44. Compassionate

Without Forgetting To:

45. Give her compliments regularly
46. Love to go shopping
47. Be honest
48. Be relatively rich
49. Not stress her out
50. Not look at other women

And at the same time, you must also:

51. Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes or who
she is with

But it is also very important to:

54. Never to forget:
a. birthdays
b. anniversaries
c. arrangements she makes
d. her parents

How To Make A Man Happy

1. Leave him alone

OMG best post in this thread. Sure glad I didn't have wine in mouth when I read the end...

The absolute perfection of existence, life, and aesthetic beauty is the work not only of evolution but of a powerful being.

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#291 Argonne69

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Posted 09 July 2018 - 01:00 PM

OK, all set to ask the wife what's wrong.

Posted Image

21

#292 thug the bunny

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Posted 09 July 2018 - 03:05 PM

View PostArgonne69, on 09 July 2018 - 01:00 PM, said:

OK, all set to ask the wife what's wrong.

Posted Image

It's not that bad, cause you know that all they ever say is "nothing". Then if you want some extra credit, you say "are you sure honey?", and they say "yes I'm sure", and now you have your hall pass and can watch football, play golf, drink beer, etc. Woo hoo!
The absolute perfection of existence, life, and aesthetic beauty is the work not only of evolution but of a powerful being.

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