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Could Use A Laugh....


298 replies to this topic

#241 Argonne69

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Posted 13 February 2018 - 02:17 PM

This morning I was staring at my naked body in the mirror, and thought to myself, "I'm going to get kicked out of Ikea any minute now".


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#242 thug the bunny

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Posted 14 February 2018 - 01:04 PM

I was taking a nice relaxed #2 when I realized that the demo toilets at Home Depot aren't actually connected to plumbing.
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#243 ramdorsky

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Posted 21 February 2018 - 04:19 PM

How to be a really good friend!

Jim brings his best buddy home for dinner.
Alice, Jims’ wife, screams, "You *******! I haven't
done my hair or makeup, the house is a mess, the
dishes aren't done, I'm still in my pajamas and I
can't be bothered with cooking tonight!
Why the hell did you bring him home, anyway?"
"Because he's thinking of getting married..."
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#244 thug the bunny

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Posted 21 February 2018 - 09:45 PM

View Postramdorsky, on 21 February 2018 - 04:19 PM, said:

How to be a really good friend!

Jim brings his best buddy home for dinner.
Alice, Jims’ wife, screams, "You *******! I haven't
done my hair or makeup, the house is a mess, the
dishes aren't done, I'm still in my pajamas and I
can't be bothered with cooking tonight!
Why the hell did you bring him home, anyway?"
"Because he's thinking of getting married..."

Took me a second..
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#245 ramdorsky

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Posted 22 February 2018 - 02:05 PM

Old man and the medical students
Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart.
He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.
One student said to his friend:
"I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."
The other student says:
"No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."
Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man.
They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk,
but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"
The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."
The first student said, "I think its Peltry Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong.."
The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."
So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"
The old man said, "I thought it was GAS - but I was wrong, too"

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#246 Dpavs

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Posted 22 February 2018 - 03:02 PM

Recently a lawyer friend of mine was bitten by a snake. Sadly there was no immediately available medical help so the snake died.

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#247 Dpavs

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Posted 22 February 2018 - 03:10 PM

My neighbors are listening to great music right now. Whether they like it or not.

Jellyfish have existed as a species for 500 million years, surviving just fine without a brain. This fact gives hope to quite a few people I know.

My parents often tell me that nobody is perfect. My friends have referred to me as a nobody. From this I have deduced that I am perfect!




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#248 Argonne69

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Posted 25 February 2018 - 04:41 PM

True story. I'm sitting on the sofa (without my glasses) this afternoon watching the Honda, and I hit the 'Guide' button on my remote to check out the listings. I'm scrolling through the listings when I see "The Golfather". Cool. Oh, wait a minute.

Of course, my mind starts to work on a script for The Golfather. Scenes include waking up in bed and discovering several dozen Top Flights.

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#249 ramdorsky

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Posted 26 February 2018 - 06:10 PM


From SwingxSwing...

During John’s physical examination, his doctor asked him about his physical activity level.

John described a typical day this way, “Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five-hour walk about seven miles through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through some trees and vegetation. I got sand in my shoes, eyes and hair. I avoided standing on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills. I took a few ‘leaks’ behind some big trees. The mental stress of it all left me shattered and at the end of it all, I drank eight beers.”

Inspired by the story, the doctor said, “You must be one hell of an outdoorsman!”

“No,” John replied, “I’m just a crappy golfer.”

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#250 Bob9604

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Posted 02 March 2018 - 01:57 PM

A gentleman is having trouble in the bedroom so his wife finally talks him into seeing a doctor.  When the doctor asks him what was wrong he explained that when they try to have sex he can not get "aroused".  The doctor turns to the mans wife, tells her to get undressed and lay in the table.  He then begins to look her all over and thoroughly examine her.  After several minutes he turns to the man and says "Your fine, she didn't give me a boner either."


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#251 ramdorsky

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Posted 05 March 2018 - 05:00 PM

A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying: "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless  Grandma and good-bye Grandpa." The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?' The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do." The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: "God bless Mommy,  God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma." The next day the grandmother died. "Holy ****" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side." Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy." He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally, midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?" He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life." She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson."

Before & After Marriage

BEFORE MARRIAGE
John--Ah....At last. I can hardly wait!
Jane--Do you want me to leave?
John--NO! Don't even think about it.
Jane--Do you love me?
John-- Of course! Always have and always will!
Jane--Have you ever cheated on me?
John--NO! Why are you asking?
Jane--Will you kiss me?
John--Every chance I get!
Jane--Will you hit me?
John--Heck no! Are you crazy?
Jane-- Can I trust you?
John--Yes
Jane--Darling!
AFTER MARRIAGE Read from the bottom back to the top
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#252 Argonne69

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Posted 09 March 2018 - 04:47 PM

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#253 Argonne69

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Posted 11 March 2018 - 11:15 AM

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#254 Argonne69

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Posted 15 March 2018 - 03:23 PM

My therapist says I'm too preoccupied with vengeance.

We'll see about that.

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#255 thug the bunny

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Posted 15 March 2018 - 04:58 PM

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Edited by thug the bunny, 15 March 2018 - 05:02 PM.

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#256 Argonne69

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Posted 15 March 2018 - 05:08 PM

Whiteboards are remarkable.

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#257 Argonne69

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Posted 20 March 2018 - 01:19 PM

From the makers of I Can't Believe It's Not Butter™, introducing:
  • It Might Be Bread
  • Let's Just Say It's Cream Cheese
  • It Almost Tastes Like Jam
  • Sure, It's "Maple Syrup"
  • Smells a Bit Like Eggs


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#258 Argonne69

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Posted 20 March 2018 - 01:21 PM

Guy: Boss, I've got a prob --

Boss: There are no such things as problems, only opportunities.

Guy: Oh, OK. Boss, I have a serious drinking opportunity.

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#259 Argonne69

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Posted 20 March 2018 - 01:24 PM

Wow, those decals look so realistic.

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#260 Argonne69

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Posted 20 March 2018 - 01:27 PM

Happy times. On vacation with the ex.

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#261 Argonne69

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Posted 22 March 2018 - 12:58 PM

Astor: Winston, if you were my husband, I'd put poison in your coffee.

Churchill: Nancy, if you were my wife, I'd drink it.

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#262 Argonne69

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Posted 26 March 2018 - 05:14 PM

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#263 ramdorsky

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Posted 29 March 2018 - 11:09 AM

From Swing x Swing-

John and Bill, two friends of equal ability decide to play a round of golf together and “play it as it lies” on all shots. Both hit their tee shots on the the first hole, a long par-5, straight down the middle of the fairway, 260 yards away.

They drive up for their second shots and John hits his shot again down the middle, setting up an easy approach. But Bill slices his second shot over into the trees and it ends up on the cart path of the adjoining hole.

“Guess I get a free drop from the cart path,” Bill says.

“Oh no,” says his friend. “We agreed; play it as it lies.”

So, Bill drops John off in front of the green and drives over to his ball on the cart path. John watches in amusement as sparks shower down from the practice swings of his opponent and then he looked on in amazement as Bill hit a perfectly struck shot that landed on the green and rolled to within three feet of the pin.

Pleased, Bill drives up to the green as John approaches.

“Great shot back there!” John said. “What club did you use?”

Bill smiled and replied, “Your six iron.”

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#264 Argonne69

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Posted 04 April 2018 - 12:49 PM

The moment you realize that feeding your pet rabbit cherries is going to give you nightmares.

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#265 Argonne69

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Posted 04 April 2018 - 12:58 PM

Posted Image


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#266 thug the bunny

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Posted 04 April 2018 - 07:58 PM

View PostArgonne69, on 04 April 2018 - 12:49 PM, said:

The moment you realize that feeding your pet rabbit cherries is going to give you nightmares.

Posted Image

Yikes! The killer bunny strikes again!


Edited by thug the bunny, 04 April 2018 - 07:59 PM.

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#267 DavePelz4

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Posted 18 April 2018 - 11:01 AM

Over a beer with a golf bud this past weekend, I had a profound revelation.

We were talking about "best friends" and being a romantic lad, I said Mrs. Pelz was my best friend.  He quickly said she wasn't, and told me it was the dog.  We went back and forth about this a couple of times and then he said, "Lock them both in the trunk of your car for a couple of hours and then see who is happy to see you.  THAT he said, is your best friend."

Always loved that dog.

27

#268 fillwelix

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Posted 19 April 2018 - 09:34 AM

There are two types of hotel guests: those who ask when tomorrow's breakfast begins, and those who ask when it ends. Which type are you?
WITB
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Taylormade M2 2016 3HL       PX HZRDUS Black 75g S
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Byron Morgan DH89

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#269 fillwelix

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Posted 19 April 2018 - 09:35 AM

If you spill paint on your lawn, you can watch paint dry and grass grow at the same time
WITB
Taylormade M2 2016 9.5*       Fuji Speeder Evolution IV 589 X
Taylormade M2 2016 3HL       PX HZRDUS Black 75g S
Mizuno MP33 3i                       Dynamic Gold S300
Taylormade P770 4i-5i             Nippon Modus 3 Tour 120 S
Taylormade P730 6-PW           Nippon Modus 3 Tour 120 S
Vokey SM6 50 57                     True Temper Dynamic Gold S200
Taylormade Hi-Toe 64               KBS Hi Rev Wedge
Byron Morgan DH89

29

#270 thug the bunny

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Posted 20 April 2018 - 12:40 AM

View PostDavePelz4, on 18 April 2018 - 11:01 AM, said:

Over a beer with a golf bud this past weekend, I had a profound revelation.

We were talking about "best friends" and being a romantic lad, I said Mrs. Pelz was my best friend.  He quickly said she wasn't, and told me it was the dog.  We went back and forth about this a couple of times and then he said, "Lock them both in the trunk of your car for a couple of hours and then see who is happy to see you.  THAT he said, is your best friend."

Always loved that dog.

Who else greets you like your dog when you come home at the end of the day?
Kids: 'Hey'.
Wife: 'Hi'.
Dog: 'Oh my god, you're home!!! I am so happy you're home!!! I love you! I'm going to run around in little circles and make little whiny noises! Please pet me!!! Let me jump all over you and lick your face!'

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