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Could Use A Laugh....


198 replies to this topic

#181 Argonne69

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Posted 03 November 2017 - 11:31 AM

Insults that don't require profanity:

- "As an outsider, what is your perspective on intelligence?"

- "Why play so hard to get when you're already so hard to want?"

- "You are the human equivalent of a participation award."

- "Whoever told you to be yourself couldn't have given you worse advice."

- "I envy people who haven't met you."

- "I have neither the time nor the crayons to explain it to you."

- "You haven't been yourself lately. We've all noticed the improvement."

- "You couldn't pour water out of a boot if the instructions were on the side."


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#182 JerseyBoy

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Posted 03 November 2017 - 11:57 AM

On my way to work today, I rear ended a car really badly.

Out jumps a midget, absolutely fuming. He says to me, "I am NOT HAPPY".

I ask him, "then which one are you?"

My day went downhill from there...



What's the difference between a Catfish and Lawyer?

One is a bottom dwelling scum sucker, the other one's a Fish.

Edited by JerseyBoy, 03 November 2017 - 11:58 AM.


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#183 JerseyBoy

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Posted 03 November 2017 - 12:09 PM

Four older women are out for a buffet lunch. One gets up to go to the bathroom and the other three go get their food and sit down. They start chatting.

"Oh, my son is doing so well. He's a big shot lawyer now and is doing so well, he just bought himself a Private Jet."

"My son is the Chief of Surgery at his hospital now and just bought himself a Ferrari!"

"Well, don't you know. My son's business is doing so well that he just bought a beautiful villa in Spain."

By now the one that went to the bathroom had gotten her food, and joined her friends. She asks what they were talking about, so they tell her about their sons and ask her about hers.

"He just told us he's a Homosexual."

Her friends gasp.

"No, it's okay. He seems to be doing very well for himself. One of his boyfriends bought him a Ferrari. Another one flew him to Spain in a Private Jet where he's living in his other boyfriend's villa!"

Edited by JerseyBoy, 03 November 2017 - 12:12 PM.


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#184 DavePelz4

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Posted 03 November 2017 - 12:18 PM

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed Ole standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it. The old Norwegian had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside Ole, and said quietly, 'Good morning Ole.'

'Good morning Pastor,' he replied, still focused on the plaque. 'Pastor, vat is dis?' The pastor said, 'Well, it's a memorial to all the men and women who died in the service. Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Finally, Ole's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked, 'Vich service, da 8:30 or da 10:45?

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#185 DavePelz4

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Posted 03 November 2017 - 12:22 PM

Ole and Lena decided to take a second honeymoon to beautiful Fargo, ND.  Lena called the airlines information desk and inquired, "How long does it take to fly from Minneapolis to Fargo? "Just a minute," said the busy clerk. "Vell, said Lena, "dat is really fast."


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#186 DavePelz4

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Posted 03 November 2017 - 12:27 PM

One day this Swede walked into town to do some shopping.  On his way home his Norwegian neighbor saw him carrying a bag.  He hurried out to greet him and asked what he had in his bag.  The Swede replied chickens.  The Norwegian asked how many he had. the Swede says if you can guess how many I have I will give you both of them.  The Norwegian replied 3.

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#187 Argonne69

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Posted 03 November 2017 - 01:36 PM

Posted Image

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#188 thug the bunny

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Posted 03 November 2017 - 10:37 PM

View PostArgonne69, on 03 November 2017 - 11:31 AM, said:

Insults that don't require profanity:

- "As an outsider, what is your perspective on intelligence?"

- "Why play so hard to get when you're already so hard to want?"

- "You are the human equivalent of a participation award."

- "Whoever told you to be yourself couldn't have given you worse advice."

- "I envy people who haven't met you."

- "I have neither the time nor the crayons to explain it to you."

- "You haven't been yourself lately. We've all noticed the improvement."

- "You couldn't pour water out of a boot if the instructions were on the side."

I have to remember these. OMG, 'I envy people who haven't met you'!!!
The absolute perfection of existence, life, and aesthetic beauty is the work not only of evolution but of a powerful being.

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#189 Reasonability

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Posted 07 November 2017 - 01:29 PM

Guy buys a pet bird and within days it stops eating.  Takes it to the Vet who diagnoses a malformed beak that prevents opening up the mouth for proper eating habits.  It's sort of overgrown and curled as can happen with very long human fingernails.

The Vet lets it be known it's going to cost $500 to perform the surgery, which amounts to carefully filing the beak down to normal size.  Since the bird hadn't eaten for days it was important to go head with the surgery right away.

The owner says he can't afford that. Curiously the owner keeps asking the vet about HOW this surgery actually works.  It becomes clear this guy is going to take the bird home and try working on the beak himself.

"You can't just file away on a bird's beak.  You could crack the beak or file down too much which would render him unable to drink water.  This is really not recommended at all."   But the owner persists and leaves letting it be known he's going to give it a shot.

Days later the Vet bumps into the bird owner and asks how things turned out.  The owner says the bird had sadly passed away despite all best efforts.  The Vet asks if the beak and cracked or if too much filing had left him unable to drink water.  The owner replied, "Neither... He was dead when I took him out of the vice."
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and the value of nothing.

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#190 DavePelz4

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Posted 07 November 2017 - 01:58 PM

In Canada, is it Chick fil Eh?


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#191 Argonne69

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Posted 07 November 2017 - 02:35 PM

Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the walking.

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#192 MattTheTaff

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Posted 10 November 2017 - 05:46 PM

I blew a speaker in my car on the way to work today.....

He was a motivational speaker.....

Left a nasty taste in my mouth but I do feel better about myself.
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#193 Argonne69

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Posted 10 November 2017 - 06:32 PM

Posted Image

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#194 thug the bunny

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Posted 10 November 2017 - 07:31 PM

View PostMattTheTaff, on 10 November 2017 - 05:46 PM, said:

I blew a speaker in my car on the way to work today.....

He was a motivational speaker.....

Left a nasty taste in my mouth but I do feel better about myself.

This is not the first time I have replied 'Eeeeew' to a MtT post. Matt, you could give the Diceman a run for his money...
The absolute perfection of existence, life, and aesthetic beauty is the work not only of evolution but of a powerful being.

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#195 MattTheTaff

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    Oh, I used to be disgusted.. and now I try to be amused

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Posted 11 November 2017 - 05:42 AM

View Postthug the bunny, on 10 November 2017 - 07:31 PM, said:

View PostMattTheTaff, on 10 November 2017 - 05:46 PM, said:

I blew a speaker in my car on the way to work today.....

He was a motivational speaker.....

Left a nasty taste in my mouth but I do feel better about myself.

This is not the first time I have replied 'Eeeeew' to a MtT post. Matt, you could give the Diceman a run for his money...

"What's in the bowl, b**ch? Ooooooooohhhh"

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#196 thug the bunny

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Posted 12 November 2017 - 10:36 AM

View PostMattTheTaff, on 11 November 2017 - 05:42 AM, said:

View Postthug the bunny, on 10 November 2017 - 07:31 PM, said:

View PostMattTheTaff, on 10 November 2017 - 05:46 PM, said:

I blew a speaker in my car on the way to work today.....

He was a motivational speaker.....

Left a nasty taste in my mouth but I do feel better about myself.

This is not the first time I have replied 'Eeeeew' to a MtT post. Matt, you could give the Diceman a run for his money...

"What's in the bowl, b**ch? Ooooooooohhhh"

The Diceman was having fun with a couple in the audience.

"Hey is that your girlfreind?"

Guy nods.

"She's good looking, is she good in bed?"

Guy nods.

"So, how do you think she got that way? I can see the stretch marks on her mouth from here! Ooohhhh!"
The absolute perfection of existence, life, and aesthetic beauty is the work not only of evolution but of a powerful being.

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#197 Jmx

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Posted 12 November 2017 - 10:37 AM

Love this thread lollll so troll

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#198 Argonne69

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Posted 13 November 2017 - 02:12 PM

Posted Image

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#199 Medic

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Posted 13 November 2017 - 06:22 PM

View PostArgonne69, on 13 November 2017 - 02:12 PM, said:

Posted Image

That is so wrong in so many ways. How can people complain about water being short and yet not take the opportunity to wash the shirt and the kid at the same time? I mean, not in a washer - that would be cruel and unusual as it were.
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