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Could Use A Laugh....


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#151 DavePelz4

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Posted 29 August 2017 - 03:18 PM

Ole and Lena had a boy, Ole Junior, who came home from school one day. Ole Junior said, "Papa, I have da biggest feet in da third grade. Is dat becoss I'm really Norvegian?" "No," said Ole, "It's because you're 15"


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#152 Argonne69

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Posted 29 August 2017 - 03:34 PM

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#153 DavePelz4

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Posted 29 August 2017 - 03:57 PM

What does Chick Fil A manager have in common with Jay Cutler?

Neither shows up to work on Sunday.

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#154 MattTheTaff

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Posted 29 August 2017 - 04:49 PM

What the difference between a hooker and an onion?

I usually cry when I chop up an onion.
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#155 Reasonability

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    Mirror work is a good idea.

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Posted 29 August 2017 - 10:29 PM

I want my ashes to float through amen corner.  Since that requires being dead I'd be willing to sacrifice a kidney.

A cynic sees the cost of everything
and the value of nothing.

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#156 bobfoster

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Posted 30 August 2017 - 10:11 AM

Jesus and St. Thomas decide to come down from heaven and play a round at TPC Sawgrass. They get to 17, and Jesus takes out a 9 iron. St. Thomas says that is way too little club. Jesus says he saw Tiger hit the shot. He hits it - it of course goes into the water. Jesus walks across the water, looking for his ball.

A guy in the clubhouse sees him doing this ... and says "who does this guy think he is, Jesus Christ"? Caddy says "no, he thinks he's freaking Tiger Woods".

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#157 vjtexp

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Posted 30 August 2017 - 03:26 PM

Not funny, but love that feeling when the wives decide to plan an activity together...GOLF TIME, FELLAS

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#158 Argonne69

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Posted 08 September 2017 - 01:29 PM

How not to lay out magazine ads.

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#159 Argonne69

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Posted 08 September 2017 - 01:33 PM

Irony 101.

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#160 Argonne69

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Posted 08 September 2017 - 01:41 PM

Whew. Dodged a bullet.

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#161 Argonne69

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Posted 08 September 2017 - 01:46 PM

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#162 thug the bunny

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Posted 08 September 2017 - 10:09 PM

View PostArgonne69, on 08 September 2017 - 01:41 PM, said:

Whew. Dodged a bullet.

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The good old secret sauce. Proven throughout the ages.
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#163 deetsal

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Posted 19 September 2017 - 09:43 AM

My original.       What did one German test tube baby say to the other test tube baby when he was going out for a walk?
(In a German ascent)

I'll be back in a little vile.

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#164 cardoustie

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    haha, we don't play for 5's

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Posted 23 September 2017 - 06:07 PM

Like the Duluth joke

I spent ages 8-18 in Burlington On .. right next to Hamilton (a massive steel town)

Jimmy is out with his girl, they are parked and making out hot and heavy

Gina whispers breathlessly "kiss me where it's smelly" so Jimmy fired up his Camaro and drove to Hamilton
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#165 golfandfishing

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Posted 23 September 2017 - 07:03 PM

A young Apache Junction couple are making out in the woods and it starts to rain. The guy asks if she wants to go back inside or go all the way. She says go all the way big boy. Fella drops his shorts and says " is it in yet?"  She says "I think it's in the mud. Here, I'll help you. Does that feel better?"  


Eh, I think I'll put it back in the mud.


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#166 thug the bunny

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Posted 24 September 2017 - 09:49 PM

View Postgolfandfishing, on 23 September 2017 - 07:03 PM, said:

A young Apache Junction couple are making out in the woods and it starts to rain. The guy asks if she wants to go back inside or go all the way. She says go all the way big boy. Fella drops his shorts and says " is it in yet?"  She says "I think it's in the mud. Here, I'll help you. Does that feel better?"  


Eh, I think I'll put it back in the mud.

I guess she already had 3 kids?
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#167 CrabDaddy

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Posted 25 September 2017 - 10:19 AM

To commemorate VE Day, a decorated WW2 pilot, Sir Douglas Bader, was invited to talk at a British girls' prep school. His language was rather salty, and when he started telling the tale of one air battle over France, the Headmistress had to step in...
Sir Douglas: "As soon as we got to the French coastline, near LeHavre, we were surrounded by German planes. There were two f**kers to my left, three f**kers behind me, and another f**ker to my right."
Headmistress: "Ladies, a Fokker is a type of German airplane."
Sir Douglas: "That's true, madam, but these f**kers were in Messerschmitts!"
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#168 CrabDaddy

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Posted 25 September 2017 - 10:29 AM

Edit: Decided it would offend Matt the Taff, which would certainly be grounds for dismissal.

Edited by CrabDaddy, 25 September 2017 - 10:33 AM.

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#169 BENNYSUPREME

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Posted 25 September 2017 - 10:03 PM

I in no way condone violence!

Man walks in to the house after a day on the course.  Walks up to the wife and slaps the mess out of her.

Wife says, What in the h@ll was that for?

Man say, I have been hitting everything fat all day, why stop now!

Edited by BENNYSUPREME, 25 September 2017 - 10:03 PM.

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#170 Argonne69

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Posted 04 October 2017 - 01:36 PM

Heisenberg is speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over, and says, "Do you know how fast you were going back there?"

Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was".


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#171 thug the bunny

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Posted 04 October 2017 - 07:27 PM

View PostCrabDaddy, on 25 September 2017 - 10:29 AM, said:

Edit: Decided it would offend Matt the Taff, which would certainly be grounds for dismissal.

The only posts that offend MtT are those that omit ball gags or other bondage situations.
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#172 thug the bunny

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Posted 04 October 2017 - 07:34 PM

View PostArgonne69, on 04 October 2017 - 01:36 PM, said:

Heisenberg is speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over, and says, "Do you know how fast you were going back there?"

Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was".

Haha! Or he could have said, 'But officer, how do you know where I was? Oh, also, I think your radar gun killed my buddy's cat in my trunk.' I wonder how many here get this one. I'm going to use it on my dork scientist friends.

Edited by thug the bunny, 04 October 2017 - 07:45 PM.

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#173 Argonne69

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Posted 04 October 2017 - 10:08 PM

A photon is at the airport, and going through the security line. The TSA agent is a bit suspicious, and asks the photon, "No luggage"?"

The photon responds, "No. I'm traveling light".

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#174 thug the bunny

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Posted 04 October 2017 - 10:19 PM

View PostArgonne69, on 04 October 2017 - 10:08 PM, said:

A photon is at the airport, and going through the security line. The TSA agent is a bit suspicious, and asks the photon, "No luggage"?"

The photon responds, "No. I'm traveling light".

Q: So what would happen if you x-rayed a photon?

A: Interference!
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#175 RSinSG

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Posted 26 October 2017 - 07:40 PM

I heard this from a guy in my foursome yesterday. I bit hook line and sinker.


Him: Did you hear about the famous actress who just committed suicide?  Her name was Reese... (pause)

Me: Witherspoon?

Him: No, with her knife.

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#176 Argonne69

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Posted 27 October 2017 - 12:55 PM

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#177 Argonne69

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Posted 27 October 2017 - 12:58 PM

The rainbow's end...

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#178 markjay1

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Posted 27 October 2017 - 03:48 PM

View Postthug the bunny, on 04 October 2017 - 07:34 PM, said:

View PostArgonne69, on 04 October 2017 - 01:36 PM, said:

Heisenberg is speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over, and says, "Do you know how fast you were going back there?"

Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was".

Haha! Or he could have said, 'But officer, how do you know where I was? Oh, also, I think your radar gun killed my buddy's cat in my trunk.' I wonder how many here get this one. I'm going to use it on my dork scientist friends.

So here's the full joke:

Heisenberg and Schrödinger are driving down the highway when a cop pull them over.

He goes to Heisenberg, who is driving, and says:  "Do you know how fast you were going?"

Heisenberg says:  "No, but I know where I am."

Cop says:  "You were doing 80."

Heisenberg says:  "Now I'm lost!"

The cop goes and opens the trunk and says:  "Hey! Do you know you have a dead cat in here?"

Schrödinger says:  "Now I do."


My SO is a biophysicist.  This one cracks her up every time.

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#179 Argonne69

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Posted 02 November 2017 - 01:16 PM

Breakfast of champions.

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#180 Argonne69

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Posted 03 November 2017 - 11:31 AM

Insults that don't require profanity:

- "As an outsider, what is your perspective on intelligence?"

- "Why play so hard to get when you're already so hard to want?"

- "You are the human equivalent of a participation award."

- "Whoever told you to be yourself couldn't have given you worse advice."

- "I envy people who haven't met you."

- "I have neither the time nor the crayons to explain it to you."

- "You haven't been yourself lately. We've all noticed the improvement."

- "You couldn't pour water out of a boot if the instructions were on the side."


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