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Could Use A Laugh....


143 replies to this topic

#1 Medic

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Posted 09 February 2017 - 09:09 PM

Rough week. Lots of stress. Could use a laugh so thought I would start a thread where some laughs could be shared. Golf-related one liners. (or close to it)

Keep em clean so the thread doesn't get nuked.

First one....

Whats the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?

A bad golfer goes: WHACK..."Damn"!
A bad Skydiver goes: "Damn"!...WHACK.

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#2 ltjackson

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Posted 09 February 2017 - 09:18 PM

Two men were playing a round enjoying a day off during a business conference that their home town was hosting.

After playing 7 holes dealing with the slow group ahead of them one of the men finally got fed up and told his playing partner,

"I'm going to walk up and ask if we can play through, this pace is driving me crazy!"

Off he went, about half way there he turned around and walked back to his playing partner. The other man looked at him and asked,

"What's wrong? I thought you were going to ask to play through."

To which the other man, white in the face replied,

"One of the women in that group is my wife and the other is my mistress."

His playing partner exclaimed,

"Wow! Okay I'll go ask then, just hide in the cart."

About half way there the second man turned around and walked back to the cart uttering a simple phrase to his partner.

"Small world..."

Edited by ltjackson, 13 February 2017 - 02:27 PM.

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It's alive, this swing! A living sculpture and down through contact, always down, striking the ball crisply, with character. A tuning fork goes off in your heart and your balls. Such a pure feeling is the well-struck golf shot. Now the follow through to finish. Always on line. The reverse C of the Golden Bear! The steel workers' power and brawn of Carl Sandburg's. Arnold Palmer!

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#3 bestrnd35

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Posted 09 February 2017 - 09:40 PM

"Bad day at the course," a guy tells his wife. "Charlie had a heart attack on the third hole."
"That's terrible!" she says.
"You're telling me," the husband replies. "All day long, it was hit the ball, drag Charlie."
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#4 sailfishchris

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Posted 09 February 2017 - 09:45 PM

  • A guy on vacation finishes his round, goes into the clubhouse. The head pro says, "Did you have a good time out there?"
  • The man replied "Fabulous, thank you."
  • "You're welcome," said the pro. "How did you find the greens?"
  • Said the man: "Easy. I just walked to the end of the fairways and there they were!"

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#5 Hawkeye77

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Posted 09 February 2017 - 09:58 PM

This article has classics and more!

http://www.golfdiges...olfjokes_gd0305


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#6 Vintage1976

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Posted 09 February 2017 - 10:05 PM

What do golf and marital relations have in common?

You don't have to be good at it to enjoy it.
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#7 Nessism

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Posted 09 February 2017 - 10:10 PM

Jesus and Gabriel on the first tee.

Jesus tees off first.  Ball takes off low, skips three times across a lake and lands on the other side.  A rabbit runs out and picks up the ball and takes off.  A few moments later an eagle swoops down and picks up the rabbit.  The rabbit then in fright drops the ball which falls onto the green and rolls into the cup.

Gabriel turns to Jesus and snarls, "are you going to mess around all day? I thought we were going to play golf?"
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#8 disco111

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Posted 10 February 2017 - 11:59 AM

3 guys on the 1st tee and starter asks to put a lady with them, says she's a good player and she's good looking.......Guy's say Ok and during the course of the round, she holds her own. Now on the 18th green and looking at a 10 foot putt, she turns and says "you guys have been so nice to me today, so if one of you can help me make this putt, I'll have sex with you".......First guy jumps down to the ground and says, looks like it will break left, second guy says nah!, slight right at the hole.....third guy steps behind the ball, looks down and says, "that's good, pick it up"    :pimp:

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#9 golfandfishing

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Posted 10 February 2017 - 03:05 PM

Two golfers walking down the third fairway as a funeral procession drives by. One guy stops, removes his hat and says a silent prayer. He resumes walking and his partner says "Did you know that person?"  He responds with "Know her? We were married for 53 years. Now, is that pin middle or front?"

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#10 From_Parts_Unknown

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Posted 10 February 2017 - 03:12 PM

Do they have to be golf jokes???

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over
his mouth.
A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know Sir, I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me.
Are my testicles black?"


Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart
rate from worrying about them.

She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says,
"There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look magnificent."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely:
"Are - My -Test - Results - Back


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#11 Medic

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Posted 10 February 2017 - 06:07 PM

A U.S. citizen is vacationing on his own in Ireland. He decides to play a round of golf and is paired with three local gents.
He takes a few practice swings, steps up to the first tee, and proceeds to hook the ball out of bounds. He shakes his head, reaches in his pocket, and re-tees another ball. He tells his playing partners that he is taking a Mulligan. He pounds one down the center of the fairway about 280 yards out.

With a big smile, he asks the others "In the U.S., we call that a Mulligan; was wondering what you called it here in Ireland."

After a moment of silence, one of the locals replies, "Hitting three."
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#12 Sean2

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Posted 10 February 2017 - 06:17 PM

Don't drink and drive. Hell, don't even putt.
--Dean Martin
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#13 BMC

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Posted 10 February 2017 - 10:20 PM

Officer:           "Mrs. Woods, how many times did you strike the vehicle with the golf club?"

Mrs. Woods:  "Ummm, I'm not sure.  Put me down for a 5."
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#14 Nessism

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Posted 11 February 2017 - 12:12 PM

Sorry, not golf related but couldn't resist...

And forgive any stereotype issues against lawyers. ;)  

The Deaf Mob Bookkeeper...

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.
His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place since he can't hear what the mob bosses are saying and he could never be called to testify against them.
When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!"The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the money?"
Guido signals back, "I don't know what you are talking about."  The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again"
The lawyer signals to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell."
Guido trembles and signals, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house.
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"
The lawyer replies, "He says f*** you. You don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

Edited by Nessism, 02 March 2017 - 11:18 PM.

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#15 BrianL99

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Posted 11 February 2017 - 12:31 PM

So for many years, some friends and i went to Myrtle Beach to play golf every spring.  6 cops, 1 FF & myself.

One particular, the FF Phil, called 2 weeks before the trip (that was already paid for) and said he couldn't come.   He didn't realize our trip fell on his 20th Wedding Anniversary.  Disappointing, to say the least, as Phil was one of our most fun friends.

We pull into our hotel, unloaded the clubs and when walked into the hotel, Phil was sitting there waiting for us.

"Phil, what are you doing here"?

"Well, is was like this.   I got home last night and when I walked into the house, the floor of the kitchen was covered with rose petals, leading to my bedroom.   I followed the rose petals to the bedroom and there was a bottle of champagne on the night stand and my wife was lying naked in bed, tied to the bedpost with 4 of my ties.   She was drinking from a Champagne Flute, looked up at me and said ...  I love you Phil, for our Anniversary, you can do anything you want".

So I grabbed my clubs and I'm here.


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#16 RSinSG

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Posted 11 February 2017 - 12:38 PM

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife went for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in all the years they had been married.

On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"

"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays..............but I play golf on Fridays."
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#17 golfandfishing

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Posted 11 February 2017 - 10:10 PM

Two hillbillies are out hunting and one accidentally shoots the other one. He calls 911 and says " I just accidentally shot and killed my best friend". 911 operator says " stay calm, are you sure he is dead?"  "Hang on."  3 gunshots follow and he gets back on the phone "ok, I'm sure."

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#18 No Catchy Nickname

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Posted 11 February 2017 - 10:27 PM

 BrianL99, on 11 February 2017 - 12:31 PM, said:

So for many years, some friends and i went to Myrtle Beach to play golf every spring.  6 cops, 1 FF & myself.

One particular, the FF Phil, called 2 weeks before the trip (that was already paid for) and said he couldn't come.   He didn't realize our trip fell on his 20th Wedding Anniversary.  Disappointing, to say the least, as Phil was one of our most fun friends.

We pull into our hotel, unloaded the clubs and when walked into the hotel, Phil was sitting there waiting for us.

"Phil, what are you doing here"?

"Well, is was like this.   I got home last night and when I walked into the house, the floor of the kitchen was covered with rose petals, leading to my bedroom.   I followed the rose petals to the bedroom and there was a bottle of champagne on the night stand and my wife was lying naked in bed, tied to the bedpost with 4 of my ties.   She was drinking from a Champagne Flute, looked up at me and said ...  I love you Phil, for our Anniversary, you can do anything you want".

So I grabbed my clubs and I'm here.

That's just totally unbelievable. No way that happened.


How could she be drinking from a champagne flute if she was lying down and tied to the bedposts?

And how did she manage to tie herself up to the bedposts in the first place?
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#19 DavePelz4

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Posted 11 February 2017 - 10:29 PM

If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.

Edited by DavePelz4, 12 February 2017 - 09:52 AM.


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#20 Neverfadeaway86

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Posted 12 February 2017 - 07:52 AM

  • It took me seventeen years to get 3,000 hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course: Babe Ruth
  • If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball: Jack Lemmon
  • After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye: Chi Chi Rodriguez

While sitting at a table in the clubhouse after a game, Padraig remarked to a fellow club member', I'm not going to play golf with Jim Lawler anymore. He cheats.' Posted Image

'Why do you say that?' asked his friend.

'Well, he found his lost ball two feet from the green', replied Padraig indignantly.

'That's entirely possible', commented his friend.

'Not when I had his golf ball in my pocket', retorted Padraig with finality.


Edited by Neverfadeaway86, 12 February 2017 - 07:53 AM.

Au revoir, gopher !

Driver: Nike VR Limited Edition 9.5 degree
3 Wood: Tour Edge Exotics Trilogy 15 degree
5 Wood: Tour Edge Exotics Trilogy 18 degree
4 Hybrid: Ping G25 23 degree
4-Gap Wedge: Ping G30
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Lob Wedge: Wilson Harmonized 60 degree
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#21 Neverfadeaway86

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Posted 12 February 2017 - 08:00 AM

The Veterans Golf Association has negotiated with The Royal and Ancient Golf Club, based in St Andrews, Scotland to modify the Rules of Golf for Seniors

Rule 1.a.5
A ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed on the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled into the rough
with no penalty. The senior should not be penalized for tall grass which groundskeepers failed to mow.

Rule 2.d.6 (b)
A ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree. This is simply bad luck and luck has no place in a scientific game. The senior player must estimate the distance the ball would have travelled if it had not hit the tree and play the ball from there.

Rule 3.b.3(g)
There shall be no such thing as a lost ball The missing ball is on or near the course and will eventually be found and pocketed by someone else, making
it a stolen ball. The player is not to compound the felony by charging himself or herself with a penalty.

Rule 4.c.7(h)
If a putt passes over a hole without dropping, it is deemed to have dropped. The law of gravity supersedes the Rules of Golf.

Rule 5.
Putts that stop close enough to the cup that they could be blown in, may be blown in. This does not apply to balls more than three inches from the hole. No one wants to make a travesty of the game.

Rule 6.a.9(k)
There is no penalty for so-called "out of bounds." If penny-pinching golf course owners bought sufficient land, this would not occur. The senior golfer deserves an apology, not a penalty.

Rule 7.g.15(z)
There is no penalty for a ball in a water hazard, as golf balls should float. Senior golfers should not be penalized for manufacturers' shortcomings.

Rule 8.k.9(s)
Advertisements claim that golf scores can be improved by purchasing new golf equipment. Since this is financially impracticable for many senior golfers, one-half stroke per hole may be subtracted for using old equipment.

Please advise all your senior friends of these important rule changes.


Edited by Neverfadeaway86, 12 February 2017 - 08:01 AM.

Au revoir, gopher !

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Lob Wedge: Wilson Harmonized 60 degree
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21

#22 DavePelz4

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Posted 12 February 2017 - 09:52 AM

Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender asks, "Olive or twist?"

22

#23 EntourageLife

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Posted 12 February 2017 - 10:05 AM

 Neverfadeaway86, on 12 February 2017 - 07:52 AM, said:

  • It took me seventeen years to get 3,000 hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course: Babe Ruth
  • If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball: Jack Lemmon
  • After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye: Chi Chi Rodriguez

While sitting at a table in the clubhouse after a game, Padraig remarked to a fellow club member', I'm not going to play golf with Jim Lawler anymore. He cheats.' Posted Image

'Why do you say that?' asked his friend.

'Well, he found his lost ball two feet from the green', replied Padraig indignantly.

'That's entirely possible', commented his friend.

'Not when I had his golf ball in my pocket', retorted Padraig with finality.


Babe Ruth never got to 3,000 hits...

23

#24 deetsal

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Posted 12 February 2017 - 10:22 AM

Wealthy man on his death bed.  Calles a Rabbi, a Priest, and a born again preacher to his side.  I know they say you can't take it with you but here is 100,000 each in these envelopes I trust you as men of god so toss them in before they close the casket.  He dies, each toss in the envelope.   They are talking afterward, Rabbi confesses that he took 50,000 out for a hospital in Israel in desperate need.  The Priest also confesses  to removing 60,000 for their home for unwed mothers.  The preacher is indigent,  " I am shocked, he trusted us as men of God, I for one have a conscience, I put in a check for the full amount ".

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#25 DavePelz4

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Posted 12 February 2017 - 10:29 AM

Lena walks into the bar where Oly is working and asks for an ice cold beer.  "Anheuser Busch" asks Oly?  "Ya it's fine and how's your pecker" asks Lena.


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#26 BrianL99

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Posted 12 February 2017 - 11:56 AM

 No Catchy Nickname, on 11 February 2017 - 10:27 PM, said:

 BrianL99, on 11 February 2017 - 12:31 PM, said:

So for many years, some friends and i went to Myrtle Beach to play golf every spring.  6 cops, 1 FF & myself.

One particular, the FF Phil, called 2 weeks before the trip (that was already paid for) and said he couldn't come.   He didn't realize our trip fell on his 20th Wedding Anniversary.  Disappointing, to say the least, as Phil was one of our most fun friends.

We pull into our hotel, unloaded the clubs and when walked into the hotel, Phil was sitting there waiting for us.

"Phil, what are you doing here"?

"Well, is was like this.   I got home last night and when I walked into the house, the floor of the kitchen was covered with rose petals, leading to my bedroom.   I followed the rose petals to the bedroom and there was a bottle of champagne on the night stand and my wife was lying naked in bed, tied to the bedpost with 4 of my ties.   She was drinking from a Champagne Flute, looked up at me and said ...  I love you Phil, for our Anniversary, you can do anything you want".

So I grabbed my clubs and I'm here.

That's just totally unbelievable. No way that happened.


How could she be drinking from a champagne flute if she was lying down and tied to the bedposts?

And how did she manage to tie herself up to the bedposts in the first place?

Your Mom allows you to post online, without supervision?

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#27 augustgolf

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Posted 12 February 2017 - 12:27 PM

 DavePelz4, on 12 February 2017 - 10:29 AM, said:

Lena walks into the bar where Oly is working and asks for an ice cold beer.  "Anheuser Busch" asks Oly?  "Ya it's fine and how's your pecker" asks Lena.

My favorite:

A dyslexic walks into a bra
Pings from the beginning

OGA member 1415
or is it 1514...
I don't remember exactly

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#28 BrianL99

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Posted 12 February 2017 - 02:03 PM

 deetsal, on 12 February 2017 - 10:22 AM, said:

  The preacher is indigent,  " I am shocked, he trusted us as men of God, I for one have a conscience, I put in a check for the full amount ".

Indigent, huh?

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#29 Bob Cat

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Posted 12 February 2017 - 04:01 PM

Dude walks into the Dr's office with a parrot on his shoulder.

Doc, says "can I help you?"

Parrot responds "Yeah, can ya cut this thing off ma' a$$?!"
Taylormade M1
TaylorMade R5 Duel (3) / R580 (7)
Ping i15 / Zing 2
Titleist Vokey SM5
TM Spider Tour Black
Callaway Chrome Soft (yellow)
Sun Mountain Four 5
Clicgear 3.5+

The Grint:  HomeRunJohnny

Posted Image

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#30 BrianL99

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Posted 12 February 2017 - 04:26 PM

So 3 midgets are sitting at a bar.

The bartending gets the mail and in the mail, is the newest edition of the Guiness Book of Records.

One of the midgets says, "Hey!  Give me that book.  I'm listing in there.  I want to show my friends.  I have the world's "smallest feet"!   He flips through the pages and shows his friends the listing and sure enough, he's got the "World's Smallest Feet".

The midget next to him says ... "give me that book"!   "I have the World's Smallest Hands", I'll show you!"  Sure enough, he flips through the book and finds the listing and sure enough, he's got the "World's Smallest Hands".

The 3rd midget says .... "Give me that book!  I'll show you.   I have the World's Smallest Manhood!!"

He starts flipping through the pages and finally finds it ... he runs his finger down the page to show his friends ... all of a sudden he blurts out ... "who the HECK is this guy "Medic" ??????



(Sorry Jim, I had to pick someone I know, so I didn't get in trouble.  If I had my druthers, there are plenty of other names I would have used  :)

Edited by BrianL99, 12 February 2017 - 04:27 PM.


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