19th Hole
Terrible hats are proof Koepka not human, likely an alien robot from the future
For all this talk about Brooks Koepka not receiving the credit he deserves, it’s time we put the focus on the important things — like hats. And the overwhelming evidence that Koepka is, in fact, a high-functioning alien robot. From the future.
Case in point: everyone who appreciates a classic aliens-hide-among-humans-disguised-as-humans movie knows the most important scene — the first reveal of the aliens! Think back to that first time you watched Men in Black, and that cold open where Tommy Lee Jones confronts “Mikey,” who turns out to be a flippered blue alien, and then (sadly) has to shoot Mikey when he attempts to attack a police officer with all seven of his limbs. A beautiful piece of filmmaking, no doubt.
Well, inadvertently, during the first two rounds of the U.S. Open at Pebble Beach, Nike pulled a Mikey, but without having Tommy Lee Jones’ famous memory-wiping technology. They weren’t quite ready to tell the world their poster boy of dominance wasn’t a real human, but the cat’s out of the bag, folks.
After all, if Koepka wasn’t a robot, how could we explain his willingness to wear that hat in public, let alone wear it on television, during one of the sports biggest stages, at one of the world’s best courses? And we all know exactly which hat we’re talking about — the one that looks exactly like your grandmother’s shower curtain in her spare bathroom. If we can all agree there’s no feasible way all the designers at Nike thought the hat in question actually looked good, we’re forced to consider…something mysterious is afoot. What is Nike trying to hide from us? They’re clearly trying to divert our attention away from something, but — what is it?!
The answer is clear. There’s a murderous blue alien robot underneath that hat. He just happens to be really damn good at golf.
Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you’re well aware of Koepka’s dominance over the past 24 months. The dude has done nothing but win majors, winning with an aura of unflappability we haven’t seen since the original robot said “Hello, World” back when Koepka was learning how to read. (Or, more likely, Koepka never actually learned to read, just programmed to read).
Would it be that much of a surprise to learn Koepka is the world’s first successful application of Artificial Intelligence? A robot designed not for war, but a delightful piece of technology designed for smashing drives, pushing weights, and holing an obscene amount of pressure-packed putts.
Here’s where this gets tricky – what do we do next, golf fans? Do we call our suspicions into the USGA, the same way some dude at home on his couch somehow called a penalty(-ish) on Dustin Johnson a couple years ago? Probably not. We know with certainy the USGA would completely screw that up. They might not even rule on an appropriate penalty for Koepka’s non-humanness until the event is over, keeping us all in the dark all evening Sunday.
Here’s my thoughts: maybe we just accept it. Act like it’s n.b.d. Brooks Koepka is just an alien robot, most likely from some time in the future, sent here to entertain us with some of the most unbelievable golf we’ll ever see on this planet or the next.
But please, Nike, let’s all wink at each other with knowing smiles, and at least pretend he’s just your run of the mill (non-alien) professional golfer. Give him one of your clean looking white swoosh hats Rory wears. They look great! Or, hell, let him just take off the hat altogether and let the alien hang out. We don’t care. Just don’t make us look at grandma’s shower curtain over the weekend. It’s an insult to spare bathrooms everywhere.
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19th Hole
LET pro gives detailed financial breakdown of first week on tour…and the net result may shock you
On Friday morning, Ladies European Tour player, Hannah Gregg, took to social media to share her weekly expenses playing on the LET.
Expenses of my first week on Ladies European Tour:
Flights: $2600
Work Visa: $350
Food: $377
Caddie: $0 because I have an amazing Fiancé
Hotel: $0 because @GregChalmersPGA sorted me host housing for the week! ?
Rental Car: +0 because the Tour Tee guys GAVE me their car ??…— Hannah Gregg (@hannahbggg) April 26, 2024
“Expenses of my first week on Ladies European Tour: Flights: $2600 Work Visa: $350
- Food: $377
- Caddie: $0 because I have an amazing Fiancé
- Hotel: $0 because @GregChalmersPGA sorted me host housing for the week!
- Rental Car: +0 because the Tour Tee guys GAVE me their car
- Gas: $165
- Entry Fee: $130
- Lounge Pass for caddie: $50
- Gym: $0
- Yardage book: $0
- Total expenses: $3672
Made cut, finished 54th, total earned: $1244 Factor in 35% tax on earnings. To break even, needed to finish 24th. To make money, 21st. Guess we have our goals laid out for next event!”
When factoring in Gregg’s free housing, free caddie and free rental car, it’s evident that most LET players would have to finish well inside of the top-20 to make any money.
With ridiculous amounts of money being thrown around in professional golf these days, it’s important to remember the other side of the coin as well. There are countless professionals out there who struggle to get by on their golf salary.
More from the 19th Hole
- The wild reason why Mark Wahlberg was initially denied entry to an Australian golf club
- 2-time major champ announces shock retirement from the sport at age of 33
- Edoardo Molinari reveals the latest PGA Tour golfer to turn down ‘good offer’ from LIV Golf
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19th Hole
54-hole golf tour deemed eligible for OWGR points…but it’s not LIV
After a seventeen-month application process, a 54-hole golf tour was deemed eligible for OWGR points.
Unfortunately, for LIV Golf and their fans, it was the Clutch Pro Tour.
After the decision, which is effective immediately, OWGR chairman Peter Dawson issued a statement.
“This is a significant milestone for golf, and OWGR is deeply encouraged by the achievement and the continued efforts in developing the sport of golf in the United Kingdom.”
“We look forward to watching the progress of the Clutch Pro Tour as it continues to play a key role in the development of players from the region,” Dawson added.
OWGR Announcement
Read more here – https://t.co/7J4bFpawqv#OWGR#OfficialWorldGolfRanking pic.twitter.com/ZfBJWCFAm8— OWGR (@OWGRltd) April 25, 2024
The Clutch Pro Tour operates in the United Kingdom and features a 36-hole cut. It also has an open qualifying school.
More from the 19th Hole
- The wild reason why Mark Wahlberg was initially denied entry to an Australian golf club
- 2-time major champ announces shock retirement from the sport at age of 33
- Edoardo Molinari reveals the latest PGA Tour golfer to turn down ‘good offer’ from LIV Golf
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19th Hole
Charlie Woods attempting to qualify for spot at 2024 U.S. Open
As first reported by Bob Harig of Sports Illustrated, Charlie Woods will be attempting to qualify for this year’s U.S. Open at Pinehurst No. 2.
The first stage of qualifying for this year’s tournament will be an 18-hole local event on Thursday, April 25th, in Port St. Lucie, Florida.
There will be 84 players in the field, five of which will reach the 36-hole qualifier that will take place in June.
Earlier this season, Charlie attempted to qualify for the Cognizant Classic, and struggled, shooting an 86.
If the younger Woods is able to qualify, he will tee it up in the same field as his father in a few months at one of the more historic U.S. Open venues.
More from the 19th Hole
- The wild reason why Mark Wahlberg was initially denied entry to an Australian golf club
- 2-time major champ announces shock retirement from the sport at age of 33
- Edoardo Molinari reveals the latest PGA Tour golfer to turn down ‘good offer’ from LIV Golf
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