I’m scratching my head so much over Michelle Wie that the neighbors have complained about the smoke.

We’re all so overcome by Michelle’s second-hand smoke, as she inhales and exhales the smoldering fumes of her own narcissism, that we find it difficult to tear ourselves away from the mesmerizing reality show of her repeated George Plimpton-like feats of futility. I mean, how many times do you beat your head against the wall before the wall wins…unless you find pleasure in beating your head against the wall?

I just had a thought: Why hasn’t a male golfer asserted his machismo and played an LPGA event in an effort to wreak havoc on his way to a huge (and certainly inevitable) win? I’ll tell you why: because he wouldn’t want to end up shopping at Fred Funk’s Skirt Emporium. Oh yes, the hapless male pro who took on the LPGA would lose. Lorena would kick his butt and the Pink Panther would eat him for lunch. And, despite what he would say, he’d be humiliated. So why isn’t Michelle humiliated by her frequent smackdowns at the hands of the PGA?

Frankly, I’m puzzled. Her illogical, odd, and fantastic choices have me guessing wildly, as you’ve no-doubt guessed yourself. But down what other path am I to traverse? Please, send me a logical thread I’ve missed and I’ll knit a new reality…but until then, I’m wearing what I’m given. This sweater has holes.

I’m no Freud, but I think she must be either (a) an obsessive attention-addict, or (b) intensely phobic about losing to her peers. No, I don’t think that’s an extreme thing to say. I know that many people forgive her and make excuses for her, as if she was unaware of her own mind or existence. I don’t buy in to painting her as a victim, either at the hands of her managers or the scoring tent personnel, who were unwitting conspirators in her latest effort to avoid defeat. She’s so afraid of failure and of not living up to expectations of perfection on the LPGA that she’s made a career out of avoiding defeat by attempting the impossible on the PGA Tour, where it is impossible for her to lose…and win. You have to compete and strive to win in order to lose. She’s shown no evidence recently that she is interested in doing that.

I’ll just bet that someone must have said to her at one vulnerable moment: "You’re a great player, Michelle…for a woman, of course." And now the poor talented young woman is held captive buy her psyche, oblivious that she’s wrapped up in a Stockholm Syndrome scenario with her own ego.

Perhaps she golf’s version of the Peter Principle, only instead of slowly rising to her level of incompetence, she has willingly begun there.

Whatever it is, to me it smacks of a fear of competition and of losing. There’s one way to tell. Turn over one of her golf shoes. What do you see stuck to the spikes? Loose turf, or lost nerves?

I think she has become one of the most disturbing disappointments in the history of golf. (a) Because of her myriad golfing failures, and (b) because of the incredible wealth she has accumulated because of her enigmatic choices.

There’s still hope, though, because there is still time, according to her age. But bad habits—of body and mind—can shroud a lifetime. Hopefully, she can be rehabilitated.

What’s your diagnosis? My prognosis is that she’ll fully wake up when it is almost too late. Unless, of course, winning on the LPGA is not her life’s goal.  If not, return to the beginning of this article.