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Terrible hats are proof Koepka not human, likely an alien robot from the future

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For all this talk about Brooks Koepka not receiving the credit he deserves, it’s time we put the focus on the important things — like hats. And the overwhelming evidence that Koepka is, in fact, a high-functioning alien robot. From the future.

Case in point: everyone who appreciates a classic aliens-hide-among-humans-disguised-as-humans movie knows the most important scene — the first reveal of the aliens! Think back to that first time you watched Men in Black, and that cold open where Tommy Lee Jones confronts “Mikey,” who turns out to be a flippered blue alien, and then (sadly) has to shoot Mikey when he attempts to attack a police officer with all seven of his limbs. A beautiful piece of filmmaking, no doubt.

Well, inadvertently, during the first two rounds of the U.S. Open at Pebble Beach, Nike pulled a Mikey, but without having Tommy Lee Jones’ famous memory-wiping technology. They weren’t quite ready to tell the world their poster boy of dominance wasn’t a real human, but the cat’s out of the bag, folks.

After all, if Koepka wasn’t a robot, how could we explain his willingness to wear that hat in public, let alone wear it on television, during one of the sports biggest stages, at one of the world’s best courses? And we all know exactly which hat we’re talking about — the one that looks exactly like your grandmother’s shower curtain in her spare bathroom. If we can all agree there’s no feasible way all the designers at Nike thought the hat in question actually looked good, we’re forced to consider…something mysterious is afoot. What is Nike trying to hide from us? They’re clearly trying to divert our attention away from something, but — what is it?!

The answer is clear. There’s a murderous blue alien robot underneath that hat. He just happens to be really damn good at golf.

Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you’re well aware of Koepka’s dominance over the past 24 months. The dude has done nothing but win majors, winning with an aura of unflappability we haven’t seen since the original robot said “Hello, World” back when Koepka was learning how to read. (Or, more likely, Koepka never actually learned to read, just programmed to read).

Would it be that much of a surprise to learn Koepka is the world’s first successful application of Artificial Intelligence? A robot designed not for war, but a delightful piece of technology designed for smashing drives, pushing weights, and holing an obscene amount of pressure-packed putts.

Here’s where this gets tricky – what do we do next, golf fans? Do we call our suspicions into the USGA, the same way some dude at home on his couch somehow called a penalty(-ish) on Dustin Johnson a couple years ago? Probably not. We know with certainy the USGA would completely screw that up. They might not even rule on an appropriate penalty for Koepka’s non-humanness until the event is over, keeping us all in the dark all evening Sunday.

Here’s my thoughts: maybe we just accept it. Act like it’s n.b.d. Brooks Koepka is just an alien robot, most likely from some time in the future, sent here to entertain us with some of the most unbelievable golf we’ll ever see on this planet or the next.

But please, Nike, let’s all wink at each other with knowing smiles, and at least pretend he’s just your run of the mill (non-alien) professional golfer. Give him one of your clean looking white swoosh hats Rory wears. They look great! Or, hell, let him just take off the hat altogether and let the alien hang out. We don’t care. Just don’t make us look at grandma’s shower curtain over the weekend. It’s an insult to spare bathrooms everywhere.

 

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7 Comments

7 Comments

  1. Brian

    Aug 5, 2019 at 10:03 pm

    PGA is producing robots, not personalities. The days of intelligent golfers with a sense of humour are over.

  2. robstercsi

    Jun 17, 2019 at 3:03 am

    Awesome golfer but his headwear is truly atrocious. Sure he doesn’t care though!

  3. KP

    Jun 16, 2019 at 6:12 pm

    I’d be wearing that clown hat too if Nike was paying me six figures.

  4. Bobarino

    Jun 16, 2019 at 7:48 am

    If he were a “high functioning” alien he’d win everything. And I kinda like the hats…

  5. James

    Jun 15, 2019 at 10:04 pm

    Far better than Tiger’s cringeworthy off-course wardrobe. Of course nobody talks about that.

  6. O

    Jun 15, 2019 at 9:45 pm

    Get the F outta here.

  7. The Norwegian

    Jun 15, 2019 at 6:47 pm

    Who the f… are you to comment on fashion? That is not the WRX way.

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19th Hole

The Challenge: Japan Skins – All the details that you need to know

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Just three days remain before Tiger Woods, Rory McIlroy, Hideki Matsuyama and Jason Day take part in “The Challenge: Japan Skins”, and here are all the essential details that you need to know before the event takes place.

What is the Skins format?

  • The lowest score for each hole wins that hole and the money that hole is worth.
  • In the result of a tied hole, the “skin” carries over to the next hole and continues to do so until won by one of the four players.
  • In the result of a tied 18th hole, a playoff will take place to see who wins the final skin.
  • The value of the 18th hole will not multiply if a playoff takes place.

The value of each skin.

  • Holes 1-6: $10,000 per skin
  • Holes 7-12: $15,000 per skin
  • Holes 13-17: $20,000 per skin
  • Hole 18: $100,000 super skin

What we know about the extra challenges.

  • Money won from the extra challenges will go towards the event’s charity partners.
  • Extra challenge details are not yet known, but expect something similar to the side action we saw in “The Match Woods-Mickelson.”

How can you watch?

  • Event takes place October 21st, 1 PM local time in Japan, 12 AM ET in the U.S.
  • U.S. viewers can watch the simulcast live on Golf Channel beginning at 11 p.m. ET.
  • Viewers outside the U.S. can tune into the event on Discovery’s GOLFTV.
  • Those in the UK & Ireland will need to pay a small subscription fee for Discovery’s GOLFTV.

Who is the betting favorite?

  • Rory McIlroy is a warm favorite for the event at +200.

Full odds courtesy of BetOnline:

  • Rory McIlroy +200
  • Hideki Matsuyama +250
  • Jason Day +300
  • Tiger Woods +325
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19th Hole

The 6 best #GolfWRX photos on Instagram today (10.17.19)

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In this segment, we’ll be taking a look at some of the best #GolfWRX tagged photos on Instagram. In case you aren’t already, there’s a whole load of action going on at our page, so follow us: @golfwrx

Let’s get to it then, here are six of the best #GolfWRX photos from the past 24 hours.

Epic “Trick or Treat?” creation from Bettinardi.

Lefty putters now available at Swag.

Before and after shots of this satin black NP mid-slant from Embrace Putters.

Cool shot of Trump Golf Links Ferry Point courtesy of NCR.

New additions from Dormie.

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Toga!Toga!Toga!

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Golf towel on the way from Uther.

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Dropping soon ???? @jp.ongpin

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Get hashtagging your golf posts #GolfWRX for your chance to feature in our best of Instagram posts in the future!

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19th Hole

The 6 best #GolfWRX photos on Instagram today (10.16.19)

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In this segment, we’ll be taking a look at some of the best #GolfWRX tagged photos on Instagram. In case you aren’t already, there’s a whole load of action going on at our page, so follow us: @golfwrx

Let’s get to it then, here are six of the best #GolfWRX photos from the past 24 hours.

Sharp looking Kyoei KK prototype wedges.

Twisty DD201 WB 303SS with a satin marine finish from Lajosi Putters.

New designs from Bettinardi.

Dormie Sugar Skull covers.

New addition from Swag.

Great photos of Baltusrol Upper Course courtesy of Cameron More.

Get hashtagging your golf posts #GolfWRX for your chance to feature in our best of Instagram posts in the future!

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