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The ranger reveals!

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Uh oh. Here he comes. Headed right for your twosome, foursome, or fivesome. You spotted him on hole 4, in the faded white cart with the orange pole and yellow flag up ahead in the woods, lurking. And now, what does HE want?

1. “The Truth.” If you and your buddies are standing next to your cart, your athletic-fit golf slacks covered up to the knees with black pond muck, and milfoil trailing from your cart wheels, you’re probably too close to the lateral water hazard. Just own it.

2. “Keep up.” Remember, he wants you to enjoy the six-plus hours you’ll be out there. The snap hooks and peel draws, the towering slices and butter cuts. The miraculous downhill 40 ft. birdie putts: All of it. Just stay in sight of the group ahead of you.

3. “Drinking.” The group ahead of you probably is, and you certainly are. Everyone knows it’s a vital part of tolerating the game. Just don’t flaunt it. Use plastic glasses. Travel light. Half gallons of vodka or your Uncle Shifty’s moonshine take up room for your cigar humidor.

Pro tip: Go right for the “Robustos.” Get the heaving over with. The effects of twice a year cigar smoking on a draft beer breakfast can hurt, or become your handicap.

Once again, if you “Keep up,” everything will be fine. Sort of.

4. “On course advice.” You should know that the beer girl is far better at her game than you are at yours. She gets more practice. So be polite. Tip well. She’s probably working on her masters in psychology and can spot the alpha male in your group in seven seconds.

More advice from the Ranger

Watch the weather. The desire to “play just one more” is quickly overridden when your cart is sliding sideways downhill, on a rain-slick fairway, headed for the hickorys.

Respect the game, the course, the staff, and yourself. If you’re a guest at a resort, don’t drag the furniture out of your fairway villa, set it on fire, and get caught sleeping in a greenside bunker the next morning. (true story)

And please; no skulled lob wedges off the living room carpet, out the sliding glass door, over the balcony railing and headed for the group coming up 18. (also true)

Remember, the ranger’s “hostile resting face” is not his fault. It’s really just bemusement. When he says “Use someone else’s better judgment,” it’s for your own good. Think of the Ranger as a mobile “players assistant.” You want the booming bass music three fairways overturned down, he’s your guy.

You want the groups ahead to speed up? Ask him. It’s already driving him crazy too.

Above all, have fun. Enjoy the scenery. Golf is a difficult game that tests one’s mettle and reveals one’s character.

Just don’t become one.

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2 Comments

2 Comments

  1. TEN

    Mar 13, 2019 at 9:56 am

    This is written by one experienced battle tested ranger! He’s been to the front lines and returned to tell truths in a humorous well written essay. Now if only everyone in the group could read! Ha.

  2. JP

    Mar 13, 2019 at 12:42 am

    And for the love of God, play the tee box appropriate to your skill level and athletic ability!

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