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The Scientific Classification of Hackers
By Brian Chipper
Before we start off here, this is not a trip down memory lane where in 10th grade biology your flirtatious note to Suzy was intercepted by the substitute teacher.
The Scientific Classification system was a ground breaking universal academic way to properly designate every living thing on planet Earth: Kingdom, Phylum, Class, Order, Family, Genus, & Species. Remember?
Recently a groundbreaking discovery in genetics has identified a genetic sequence on Chromosome 12 that directly links to the type of golfer you will turn out to be. This genetic sequence is so blatant that academia is now considering adding a sub-species of humans to differentiate their golfing inabilities.
We will be examining the sub-species of Homo Sapiens Golferii. Specifically the variations deemed “Hackus.” Some biologists from very well regarded universities across the world have claimed some of the Hackus characteristics are actually that of more Neanderthal on the golf course, but as it stands, the research and literature will keep Hackus in the Homo Sapiens classification.
In a lab somewhere outside of Milwaukee, 200 males had their DNA examined and placed into like categories which were then able to be named after the testing was completed.
13 participants carried this exact genetic sequence. Characteristics that were present in all of their golf games:
- Long, straight drivers of the golf ball. 300+ average.
- Complete inability of having “touch” around the green. No control of half swings.
- Average putters, more luck than talent.
- Most drank an average of five beers per round and showed no affect of alcohol in their system.
39 participants carried this exact genetic sequence. Characteristics that were present in all of their golf games:
- All had over the top, quick elbow drop, high hook shots as their normal shot
- All overcorrected this after about five swings and became push slicers of the ball.
- Surprisingly mediocre on the green. Could sink a miracle 45-footer that broke two ways, but were unable to drain anything from 3 to 8 feet.
- Most driven player of the people examined. A diagnosis of psychosis would not surprise the researchers.
64 participants carried this exact genetic sequence. Characteristics that were present in all of their golf games:
- Had nice fluid swings.
- Average two greens in regulation per round. Which isn’t terrible, except;
- Anxiety filled chippers and putters. A train wreck waiting to happen. One participant putted the ball into a pond that had three yards of flat fairway between the green and itself.
- Everyone of these players had a “double hit” chip/pitch during their round.
11 participants carried this exact genetic sequence. Characteristics that were present in all of their golf games:
- Swearing, lots of swearing.
- Post round interviews showed serious damage to one’s psyche. Possible father issues?
- After examination of their car trunks post round, they owned an average of 2.8 broken clubs, most likely hiding them from their significant others.
73 participants carried this exact genetic sequence. Characteristics that were present in all of their golf games:
- Extremely inconsistent ball flights off the tee.
- If they had a 2nd shot to the green, they could hit the green 39 percent of the time.
- All were above average short game players and showed confidence on the greens.
- In post round interview, all but one player had replaced at least 4 golf clubs or shafts in the past six months.
- These players looked to be the most stressed about their score and in it was their self fulfilling prophecy to double bogey the hole “they needed to par”
Scientists were amazed by the exactness of the sequence and clear categorization of style of hacker each player turned out to be. The detailed reports are due out in Scientific Golf Quarterly: January 2013 edition.
To get your DNA tested to see which player you officially are, send a blank check and a hair sample of no less than 15 or more than 20 strands to your local Club Pro.